Sing from the HEART

<3

2007-03-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

Thank you all for your <3

I had hugs.. though not physical, they were felt. :) Encouraging smses and msns as well got me through last night. You all know who you are. Oh, and talking to my parents helped, a lot.

Felt pretty sucky after the paper this morning - a very stunned, blank, hapless feeling. Bleah.

Been very worried about UROPS. Sometimes I have to make good effort to suppress the panic inside me, even while studying for yesterday's test. ARGH. No fear, no fear, no fear. All right, I've rested enough. Time to hit the... erm.. keyboard.

You, who have been ill, have been sorely missed. You, who are feeling down, I feel ya. :( May you smile from within. Meanwhile, I hold my heart still.

2007-03-13T21:05:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling down. =(

I could really use a big hug right now.

A new way to be human

2007-03-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

Lately, I feel raw, likening it to a piece of unpolished wood, with the lines and swirls so clearly seen, its flaws and scratches laid out in the open. I feel, very real. I see my flaws, my tempers rise and fall. I feel angst, sorrow, anger, hurt, joy, gratitude, appreciation, being blessed, worry, anxiety, weariness... the list goes on. Isn't it amazing to be human? To be able to experience a whole bombardment of feelings and somehow observing yourself from a 3rd person, you see yourself rise and fall and go against the odds to triumph in your own way. The flaws of mine - I want to embrace them, not shun them because it is the courageous struggle of how the resilience of one's spirit overcomes the odds of being human that the true beauty lies.

2007-03-09T17:13:00.000+08:00

Shit. I think my brain is saturated. My notes and I are like like poles of a magnest - we repel each other. Think it's a signal that I should stop reading them. My brain's real hazy... I wished I had more strength, reserve, determination and focus. I feel like bingeing on something but I'm afraid that it'll make me sleepier. OK, I shall go get some coffee!! NO MORE TIME TO WASTE! I can't wait for 7.15pm to come.

Thanks Jo for the milkshake treat and for being my alarm clock. :)

Thank You Lord, I feel better.

My Prof and I

2007-03-08T13:06:00.000+08:00

The prof I am working under for UROPS is terribly stern and frank when it comes to work. However, he can make you inspired by his dedication and enthusiasm.

:) Scary but inspirational.

Rush hour 2 coming up after a nappy break.

I crave for silence for my moody heart to be still.

_____________________________________
6.10pm

Feeling better after a nap, a phone call to Jeki and BLEACH! This week's episode is GREAT STUFF. Thank you Lord. ROUND 2 of work begins!

The Weekend.

2007-03-04T21:13:00.000+08:00

I should be quivering at the sheer amount of work that is ahead of me - strangely I am not. I guess after 5 semesters I have somewhat learnt the art stress management so that I won't unnecessarily worry people. The end of the week has been great - Friday I got to hang out with some wonderful people and engage in a two-hour laughter therapy. Saturday started out real bad... I wrongly remembered the Physiology open house date and missed this opportunity which I had been waiting so long for. Furthermore, I travelled all the way to school only to find out that the SPSS programme wasn't working The preliminary presentation is this coming thursday and I REALLY NEEDED TO RUN THOSE TESTS. Fortunately there was a kind senior who showed me a way out. The day turned out much much better in the evening. :) I had great company on the way back to the east, had a fun time exploring the bus routes to my grandma's place, had great food, had great conversations with an older cousin, had a back-to-the-past experience going down to the mama shop to buy sweets, had a fine time playing hangman and also playing aeroplanes with my younger cousins. It would have been really great if we could bring them down to play those aeroplanes but it was raining and they were ill. A sweet, sad parting at the end of everything, and the knowledge of a lonely pain-ass ride back saddened me even more. BUT we'll surely meet soon! <3

However, I do regret not being able to do certain things this weekend - going down to Cindy's maiden flea market sale, going down to east coast park to support Jac in her biathalon with Iggy C and going to uncle andrew's place tonight for dinner (15th day of CNY). I really wish I could have been there but this week is CRUNCH-TIME week. :(

Another thing which I wish I could get myself going is to do some REAL SERIOUS lenten reflection. I am too distracted to focus. I really want to reflect, grow and change to become a better person.

To live life to the full

2007-02-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

I envy people who have so much energy within them to want to live life to the full.
I wonder what I am like... I wonder what it is that drives me deep down inside. I wonder whether there is ever someone who can bring out the ME in me. It's not that I do not have people I am close to... I have my best friends, I have my family, I have the boy, I have my friends, I have my cousins... it is just that I am too good in hiding ME, choosing instead to be a chameleon, changing to suit the needs of others. Why do I hide ME? I think it's because I REALLY HATE friction, choosing to sacrifice my own self identity for the sake of harmony. However, I have been over-doing it. As a result, after a long time period, I lose my own idea of self.

Wait a minute, why am I waiting for someone to bring out the ME in me? Can't I bring it out by my own? I can't expect to be changed if I don't do something about it. I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF.

I don't want to be merely a shadow. I want to have a form to call my own. I want to know who I am, what I love to do, and reach out to do things that are fulfilling in order to grow and live life to the full. I want to seize the day instead of taking the back seat and watch time pass by, wasted. I need to free my mind from all that is holding me back from being myself. I need to dare to dream. I need to challenge that mould I have created so superbly in people's minds of myself.
I just hope that when I finally know who I am and have the guts to show it, people will accept the ME in me, not just the chameleon.

Happy but Stressed

2007-02-25T15:21:00.000+08:00

That's Elaine's nick.

I am kinda feeling that way too.

This holiday break had been a much needed one for me. It has been really busy though - CNY, my birthday and my cousin's wedding all rolled into one week! Good stuff man BUT the deadlines are coming... THEY'RE COMING!!! CAs, UROPS, lab reports... ooooh lala, brain-frying crunch time.

:]

Breathe Mich.

Thank YOU for the wishes!

2007-02-23T01:22:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the wishes and the <3
Thank you all for making me feel so special! =)
Thank You for the gift of Life and the gift of Love.

Life in a lull

2007-02-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

Recently life has been in a lull.
The calm after a period of stormy weather?
A very queer feeling indeed.

There have been too many "if... then" assumptions in my thoughts and they all lead to expectations and disappointments. For example, "If you had been sincerely eager to go out with Mr X then you would have been more active in planning" or something like that. Perhaps that's why my life has been in a lull... I have been trying not to assume too much when things don't seem to go the way I think they would.

Sometimes I am hurt and bitter when I feel that I am not treated the way that I want to be. However if I keep harping on every single time it happens, I will be swallowed up by my own bitterness. Rather than feeling disappointed, I could try to be more understanding, forgiving and loving. It is not easy because at times the hurt overwhelms me and I fail to see that a small matter is not worth griping over.

I begin to see that I am already so blessed. I am surrounded by so much love in my life. I have a God who loves me infinitely, I have many people who shower me with their love and affection, why do I expect more? Knowing that I am already so blessed, so empowered by the love around me, it is time that I let go and give.

The Holy Spirit

2007-02-11T11:13:00.000+08:00

picture taken from: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25065984/?qo=61&q=by%3Ahammermario&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

It is an amazing experience to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
The intense desire to love, to pray, overwhelms you.
He sets your heart on fire.
Burn my heart with love!

I want to know You more.

Saturday in NUS library

2007-02-10T13:16:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I chose to be here in NUS SCIENCE library to do my work on a SATURDAY. Anyhows, I kinda want to channel all my pent-up emotions into something constructive - like homework!

I have worked so hard to keep my mood up... which is dangerously at the risk of crashing down any moment and then I would be nothing more than a useless blob, being sorry for herself, moping in this depressing place.

*.*.*.*

I feel evil, I feel horrid, I feel like a Miss not-so-nice girl. I am sorry Lord. Save me from myself.

Meanwhile, let me run away from my thoughts and focus on something... more... emotionless.

ENOUGH of being silly and stupid.

2007-02-09T16:16:00.000+08:00

Lyrics from a Japanese song.

We met in middle schooland shared a hundred year love
Beneath the gently fluttering cherry blossom petals
I wanted to meet you and ran through.
Sun-touched, sudden hills and
The corners of the park, our shadows
Remain even now, unchanged

You and I, and the cherry blossom weather
We dance, blown by the wind
Holding in my heart a future I can still see
We gaze at the peach coloured sky

photo taken from: http://www.macdevcenter.com/pub/a/mac/2005/05/27/japan.html

Resting in my room now. I am so thankful for this time of rest and relaxation.

Bleaching really ups my mood by a few notches.

This week has been crazy for me... however, I am touched that a few people have been asking me about my birthday and want to celebrate it with me. I have been so caught up with my worries and troubles that I haven't had time to appreciate how lucky I am and I thank all of you for making me feel so special. :) I hope to be able to gear myself up, keep stuff that is weighing me down in check and embrace the festivities that are about to arrive, to show my gratitude and enjoy the friendships, the fellowships!

I am a little braveheart.

Absolutely NO Stamina

2007-02-07T08:10:00.000+08:00

I really need to have 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Shucks man.
I wanted to burn some midnight oil but I was too tired when I got home from school last night. Oh man but I am pretty awake now.

Meeting the post-grad today. I kinda am not going to worry too much. Scold then scold lor, what the heck. I don't want to shed ANYMORE tears and get paralyzed because of this. Bakabakabakabakabaka.
Easier said than done though. I still feel the fear. A little. ARGH.
However when I woke up today, it's as if God took my mind and cradled it in His arms when I was asleep, making me have a restful sleep. Thank You.

Heart is still feelin' small... But I have woken up to a brand new day with slightly more hope in my heart.

Think I'll stay home for the whole of this week. =P Really could use some lovin'.

Catholic Awareness Week = CAW; CHECK OUT CENTRAL LIBRARY! Oh man... it's beautiful. The displays... even if you're not Catholic... it's worth a look, really.

God bless.

2007-02-06T07:19:00.000+08:00

I went to bed last night, paralyzed by the fear and stress of work, amongst other things.
I wake up to a new day, fearful but more rested and somehow I find a little ounce of strength in me to get out of my bed as I mentally line up what I want to accomplish today.

During a recent sharing with my family I said that I was old enough and ready to handle any immense amount of stress - now it's my chance to prove myself. This is why I must not give up now, this is why I must maintain my composure.

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME NOW MICH!

People have faith in me, I must have faith in myself.

best couple of the month

2007-02-04T21:17:00.000+08:00

award goes to...
Kor and Cindy! :)
They have shared the love with 2 more souls.

Best mature couple of the month award goes to...
My Parents!
My cheuffer, supper buddies, partner-in-crime data entry clerks, hug-givers, room designers.

The home is where I get to hide away from everything. My recluse, my haven.

Thank You for the final resolution. The effects of adrenaline have subsided - no cold hands, cold feet, palpitations, flushing.. wah.. people who get cold shock... I understand how they feel man. Thank You for allowing me to receive You tonight when I felt so unworthy. Thank You for your healing grace.

2007-02-03T17:03:00.000+08:00

My heart feels heavy, like stone

But my thoughts wouldn't leave you alone.

I want...

2007-02-02T12:54:00.000+08:00

I want to go home.
I want to hide under the covers of my blanket and cry.
I want to see those at home.
I want to go to the beach.
I want to feel the wind blowing against my face.
I want to scream into the sea without any care.
I want to Balderdash until I pee in my pants.
I want to rip out my brains and heart
and lift up everything to You.
I want to hold my head up high.

I want...

I want to stop being a Moses.

"Thank you for the conversation!" <3

2007-01-29T13:00:00.000+08:00

Over the span of 12 hours I had 3 great conversations. =)

It started off at 12.40am with Dwi over the phone.
The next one was with Cindy who stayed over in my room.
It ended off today at 12.40pm with Dwi over the phone.

I heart you. <3

A song dedication.

2007-01-26T15:58:00.000+08:00

As I rest against this cold hard wall
Oh will you pass me by
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry
I had fought so hard
and thought that all my battles had been won
only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough
Is He not pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weaknes for an hour
Make me suffer for a lifetime
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan

Is He not strong enoughIs He not pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
Is He not brave enough
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His Hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

But You were strong enough
But You were pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
But You were brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for me chance to start again

Strong Enough - Stacie Orrico

I don't know where to begin!

2007-01-24T20:33:00.000+08:00

I am staying in school. I thank my parents for that. I really love home... I just wished NUS were nearer to it. Home does have its distractions too. >.<

Being in this little room gives me time to reflect on things. So much has been happening that I don't know where to begin!

Dwi's birthday was on the 18th of Jan. A friend of mine asked me what I got for him. I replied "nothing". My excuse was I already got him a gift for our first year anniversary. I guess I didn't intend to get him a gift because what he (and I) really needed then was time. Just being physically present for him when he had much to do. We had a dinner after and we talked. It really hasn't been smooth-sailing for the both of us over the past year but we have indeed grown. 1 year has passed, a new year, a new beginning. May we embrace the gift of Love.

18th Jan was the also the night Jac helped me experience something which I had never done before - to witness an arrival of her favourite star at the airport! :) It was good fun and a good experience. Something which I only see on TV I get to experience real-life! You thanked me for my company and accommodation, I thank you for your time and you.

Shucks, I just lost my blogging streak. I should get back to work. XP

* * *

A call from my parents made me smile. I miss them so! Can't wait for friday to come to have dinner with them.

Take care everyone!

Agape.

2007-01-17T08:06:00.000+08:00

Oh man.. so tired.

I really don't wanna go to school.

:(

An Email.

2007-01-16T21:08:00.000+08:00

I just read an email from a dear friend Annette.

I am touched.

I remember sharing a lot of things with you through words, actions, and writing an email as well... and you remembered so many things and even cared to share with me... You didn't have to - but you did and I am overwhelmed. In your blog, you wrote about God's intervention in your life - thank you for being His instrument to me.

with much love.

Walks

2007-01-14T12:53:00.000+08:00

Went for a walk with Dwi last night around Bugis area. A short walk I think, a relatively short one... maybe for 3/4 of an hour? Walked past this huge DHL balloon... I think that balloon can fly and take passengers for a ride. Seriously. There was a slogan "You can fly!" or something like that. Reminded me of Superman wannabes. Then there was a commotion with a group of policemen questioning some people near the shopping mall. We decided to walk past to try to listen to what they were saying... hahah. Had some weird thought in our minds that if we suddenly ran... would the police give chase? *grin* so close to ending up in prison last night.

MORE WALKS PLEASE!

Anyhows, Bleach is getting interesting - 110 makes me wanna watch 111... damn I hate it when things end halfway - Cliffhanger episode. Hope I wasn't a spoiler though.. :P

Feeling pretty all right. Didn't know this blogger can use such pretty colours!! Woww...

Things are kinda looking up in my head I guess... although there are still things to be reconciled, I am thankful that there have been other things that have been moving forward. It is truly amazing how love changes things. More reason to smile. :)

A new year, a clean slate. Just one more issue to reconcile and I will be free from the darkness of my soul.

Thank You for the gifts of faith and hope.
They burn in my heart. <3

Dreams

2007-01-12T07:40:00.000+08:00

Dreams... do they have any meaning at all?

Why on earth do we have dreams? Does God put dreams into our minds when we are asleep for a reason? Or do dreams show what you truly desire? Dreams unsettle me, especially when things I don't think about come into my dreams. Anyhow, I'm relieved that sometimes dreams stay as dreams and not progress into the real world.

Okay, time to break fast. *grin*

2007-01-10T21:20:00.000+08:00

Dear Jeki.. I really miss you.

When things are not so nice at home or outside, I can always come home for a hug... but now you're so far away. =((

Calling you just now... I cannot hold back my tears man. But I am really really glad you're doing great. May life be wonderful for you.

Lessons from the fundamentals of life.

2007-01-10T15:00:00.000+08:00

Feeling a little lousy today and yesterday and the day before... the time of the month I guess? =P

Now that I am home, I feel like turning on the A/C and snooze but then my mind is so busy that I cannot rest. My cousin Shaun was saying that we should invent an "energy" remover so that can we would be able to sleep when we need to.

I feel the need to compartmentalize my life - like cells. You know, there are different compartments called organelles like the nucleus, mitochondrion, peroxisome, endoplasmic reticulum and so on. Different reactions are contained in their own specific organelles, so their effects will not influence the environment in other parts of the cell. Likewise with my life, things that happen in one relationship should not affect other relationships. Damn, I want to be a cell.

Okay. The day is still young. Make the best of the rest of the day.

2007-01-10T08:26:00.000+08:00

Shit.

I really don't feel like going to school.

Feel like sleeping somemore although I had 7 hours of sleep the night before.

zzz.

2006-12-31T12:07:00.000+08:00

I need to get out of this little pit I have dug myself and fallen into.
I need to let go of all the anger and hurt that have accummulated.
I need to resolve things.
I need to heal.

In order to be able to love.
In order to be able to reach out.
In order to be able to support.
In order to be able to accept.

In order to not be afraid of getting burnt.

Otherwise, I'll go on hurting you.

Sleep

2006-12-29T08:22:00.000+08:00

Sleeping is damn shiok leh.

Thank you Lord.

UROPS is driving me nuts. :( If I get rejected... it'll be a blessing in disguise? May I know the answer soon. Thanks to Alexis for the programme. :) Meanwhile... last night, Runti FINALLY joined us for our 1-hour dinner! w00t w00t. It was great. Brother was funny, as usual. He even cooked scrambled egg for dinner for us. Ooh, given my current mods, I will not be able to attend Friday masses anymore. I'm feeling so so so so so much better now. Time to say some prayers and read up stuff. Thank you all for the Christmas wishes, the smses and the E-card. :) Have a blessed Christmas to all.

with love.

2006-12-28T00:30:00.000+08:00

Anger wells within me.
Triggers cause the past to flood back into my head.
I need to somehow contain this anger, otherwise the scars that are made will make it harder for things to revert to normalcy.

However, for now I just wanna drop everything and sleep.

Good night.

>:(

Blog Mental Block

2006-12-26T01:33:00.000+08:00

There have been so many things happening but whenever I sit down to blog... I am unable to. The emotions that I have felt over the last month have been extreme. The joys and laughter, together with tears and anguish. I am indeed weary.

“Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matt 11:28

Lord, I lift everything up to you.

Agape.

Carolling

2006-12-18T11:07:00.000+08:00

The time has come to perform.

This week will be the week! w00t w00t.

Having mixed emotions of stress and anticipation. Stress because time is definitely not on our side. Anticipation because we will get to perform what we have been working so hard for and hopefully it'll bring smiles to people's faces. :) May it be pleasing to You despite our flaws and shortcomings.

For those who have been there when it got too hot to handle and I turned kinda yucky, thank you. For those who have encouraged me along the way, for those who kept an optimistic outlook, for those who gave me hope to press on, thank you.

Singing, without the stress, is a gift from God.

Waiting for time to pass so that I can go to an important appointment. I pray for strength and courage.

Agape.

Date

2006-12-17T11:25:00.000+08:00

Funny, I slept for almost 9 hours and I still feel groggy. It doesn't help that the day is so gloomy and cold and rainy... ideal to re-hit the sack!

As Jo was mentioning to me in an sms, I've been MIA-ing for a while. Life has been pretty hectic for me. Just look at my table, there are tonnes of stuff to clear.

Last night I had a date with Dwi and we watched The Holiday. A much needed one for me. My heart takes rest. It had been a lovely evening. A sincere sms, a silly action, a heartfelt prayer, a simple meal, yummy (and not so yummy) ice cream, a wonderful movie, a bittersweet parting and a warm telephone conversation.

"Where have you been all this while?" We have been far away from each other, bogged down by our negative emotions and hurts. Christmas - a time of forgiveness and love. May the healing begin. May the love come forth.

Advent - a time of reconcilliation.

Come Lord Jesus.

Thank You!

2006-12-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

In the Lord I'll be ever thankful.

Thank you!

Thanks for the chats!!!!!, the sweet wrapper ring, the songs of taize, the concerns, the encouragemenst, Your soft prompting and peace.

Love mich.

mini retreat

2006-12-12T12:53:00.000+08:00

I had a really good sleep... 10 WHOLE HOURS! woot. I woke up at like 12 in the noon can. Praise the Lord! =)

This is a little mini retreat for myself. I'm going to spend a little time with me, myself and er.. God?

Psalm 139

Lord,
You know everything I do;
from far away you understand all my thoughts.

Where could I get away from your presence?
If I flew away beyond the east of lived in the farthest place in the west,
you would be there to lead me. you would be there to help me.

* * *

Steady me, make clear my paths.
Help me reconcile with you.

Loads on my mind

2006-12-10T23:35:00.000+08:00

Too much to think
Too much to feel
I can't seem to make sense of anything.

2006-12-08T15:03:00.000+08:00

Lord,

I don't know how to follow You or serve You anymore.
What I thought to be right seems to be wrong.

Lord,

Is there any other way I can grow closer to you?

Lord,

I've been asking a few things from you. I have been asking for your advice but you seem to be silent on me. Please, I really need those answers.

Lord,

I want to smile. Please help me smile.
All I want is to follow you. I know not how anymore.

Lord,

I believe you are the answer to every tear I've cried. Let me rest in you!

What do I want this Christmas?

2006-12-06T11:53:00.000+08:00

I want peace of mind and joy of heart.

2006-12-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

This weekend has been especially draining for me.

Lots of tears and heartaches.

All things went at one go.

God is good.

Agape.

2006-12-02T00:22:00.000+08:00

Who am I kidding?

Myself?

Jeki is going home on Sunday.

One thing at a time.

Bleah

2006-11-30T16:50:00.000+08:00

Mugging for pharmaco paper now. Don't know why my heart keeps palpitating. Is it the coffee I drank? Or is the anxiety of interacting with the new maid? ARGH. I don't know. I just hope that things will turn out fine. =]

Pharmaco pharmaco pharmaco.

ARGH, drugs drugs drugs!

I want to sleep properly tonight... I don't want to burn midnight oil... so, I need to focus now... but my heart keeps palpitating. ARGH. I feel nervous and I can't remember the stupid drug names. Okay I can but it's really hard to remember. So, coffee or anxiety? But I like coffee... especially latte. *grin* and Cheesecake to go with it! But.. I think I want to eat ahbohleng more.

BUT to ALL pharmaco students... like jac and jo... DON'T GIVE UP! Drug names are like babies' names, so nice and fun to remember! wheeee.

All the best.

Immuno paper down.

2006-11-29T20:36:00.000+08:00

Hooray immuno paper's down.
Was feeling super sleepy this morning so made a few glitches here and there. Other than that, I thank God that I managed to finish my paper.

Came back to eat gado-gado Jeki made. It was yummylicious. Then I went to sleep for 3 hours. Woke up with a terrible headache... which is still lingering. Shall slowly start mugging for my last paper. Feeling constipated... hopefully I can somehow deconstipate myself so that I can eat kaya toast or biscuit with kaya! ARGH.. cravings. Talking about cravings, I REALLY want to eat ah-boh-leng. Oooooh the yummy peanut soup, the smooth glutinous white balls with fine sweet fillings of black sesame and peanut. YUMYUMYUM. Shucks I'm getting fat. FATFATFAT. Want to go and play badminton soon. Or go for a run!

Okay, my head's acting up again. ARGH. Well, it's good in a way coz the pain doesn't let my mind wander around too much.

Lord guide my feelings.

Agape.

2006-11-28T14:47:00.000+08:00

I feel like a deflated balloon. =(

BI exam at 5pm. I've got to leave my place soon to go to school.

* * *

Lord strengthen me.

A Hug.

2006-11-27T21:18:00.000+08:00

My mum just got back from work and gave me a long hug - I really needed that. Have been feeling down today. Studying while fighting 2 battles is indeed taxing - a battle of stamina and a battle of the heart.

Thank you for your sms although I don't really know what to say at this point in time.

Father I Thank You.

2006-11-22T16:58:00.000+08:00

It's difficult to get into the studying mood especially when your mind keeps wandering and a persistent heachache hampers your ability to concentrate. I went a little ku-ku last night, as if I were PMSing... I'm sorry if I worried you too much by my apparent insecurity and yearning. When I am still, I know deep down I have so much to smile for. Yes, the two weeks will be bearable.

Listening to Corrinne May's Christmas Album calms me... it reminds me to remember Him.

Yay, the headache finally left me after almost 3 days.

Thank You Lord.

All the best everyone!

Agape.

Internet's BACK

2006-11-20T22:56:00.000+08:00

Yay... =)

I find myself being quite distracted. =\ Darn the exams are just around the corner and I am not like studying like mad. ARgh. yah.. I even watched 2h++ of "it started with a kiss" last night till almost 5am. Oh man... how how how? Okay, FOCUS NOW MICH.

I find myself wanting to make concrete changes to myself in order to grow closer to Him. One of the reasons why I NEVER volunteer for PnW is because I feel that I am truly not worthy. I don't really know how to go about doing it but... I must believe in His power to change right? Right now I don't see how I can change. Feeling quite stagnant in my faith. I want to re-commit, I want to be a better instrument! What aspects do I have to die to in order to live more fully and with more joy radiating forth? I envy people who have a perpetual joy oozing out of them. Okay... maybe not envy lah.. inspired? I feel a desire to be close to You! But there are so many obstacles... please take our hands and let us walk with You. I need to pray more. I need to have some concrete form of resolution.

I need to love people more.

Received an sms from Jo today. =) Thanks babe for the encouragement. It's been a while since I had a lovely conversation with you... I really enjoyed our conversation yesterday over the phone.

Okays.. I need to go and bathe! and then... I shall mug mugmugmugmug.

Agape.

Sleepy

2006-11-15T16:32:00.000+08:00

Feeling sleepy now... terribly sleepy. Webcasting LSM3212 in the central library. Thank God for familiar faces around me. There's Ryan, Stephanie, Kelvin, Charkwa, Mello, Ivan, Lloyd and myself. I don't feel so lonely. =)

God made me attend lunch time mass today through Linda. Interesting how He works in so many ways. I do hope somehow she knows. I learnt today that we should be thankful for everything... even for the crosses that we have to bear. That got me thinking, do you mean that we can thank Him for our struggle with our own sins and inner demons? I thought sinning makes Him sad? And yet I'm beginning to want to thank Him for my struggles with my sins because they are here for a reason. Then, I don't have to hate myself so much sometimes. God must have put trials and tests for a reason - I hope to be enlightened one day. Meanwhile, I can only hope and pray to have the courage to follow in the path of love.

Friends in Singapore and overseas... all the best in this rather stressful period! I will keep you all in my prayers.

Agape.

The Answer - Corrinne May

2006-11-14T13:53:00.000+08:00

I believe you are the answer to every tear I've cried
I believe that you are with me
My rising and my light

Give me strength when I am weary
Give me hope when I can't see
Through the crosses I must carry
Lord, bind my heart to thee

That when all my days are over and all my chores are done
I may see your risen Glory
Forever where You are

* * * *

Felt heavy-hearted just now. Just when I thought I had improved, the Lord let me meet you a second time. It is a little too much for me to bear sitting there. But I am glad that you've friends here and perhaps that in time you may be able to find Him again. :) Meanwhile, I guess... I have to somehow find the courage to keep on trying to face my fears.

Agape.

10/11

2006-11-10T15:15:00.000+08:00

10/11 - Happy Birthday to you.
I wish all the happiness for you and that your 21st year be filled with many smiles and laughter!

That is my prayer for you.

* * * * * * *

Presentation is finally over! Major glitch at the beginning of the presentation. =( My heart goes out to Serene.

Lab assignment which was due today wasn't prepared well. I overslept and had to rush it during lecture. However I have no regrets. Thanks to Serene and Jo for answering my calls for help. =) and.. THANK GOD I overslept! When I woke up, my swollen toe magically healed.... although it still hurts a little, I can walk without limping. *^^*

Thanks to you babe for the encouragement when my energy was running low last night. >.< Just being there over at the other side of the wire really helps. And and for the dinner and and and for being your mad self that makes me crack up and go a little mad as well.

All the best everyone!

p.s. I'm doing this in school. Internet's still down at home.

Kehidupan tanpa Internet.

2006-11-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

My internet has died at home. NO MORE internet at home!! *gasp*

I just had a juicy slice of papaya and an Old Chang Kee curry puff for tea. Feeling so much better now. Just now all I wanted to do was to sleep. Food really makes you feel so so so so so much better.

OKAY! Precious internet time in school has been well-utilized. =)

Time to do what I need to do.

Agape.

Corrinne May

2006-11-05T12:20:00.000+08:00

I stumbled across Corrinne May's "myspace" site when I was surfing Tanya Chua's "myspace". Corrinne May just released a Christmas Album! I haven't really heard much of her songs but her Chirstmas album just draws me to it, perhaps because I really love Christmas carols and songs, especially when they are meaningful. One of her songs in this new album, "The Answer", can be heard on her "myspace". It's beautiful - a heartfelt prayer. It makes me want to draw closer to Him.

Tanya Chua

2006-10-30T02:38:00.000+08:00

http://www.myspace.com/tanyachuamusic

Please please check her songs out! Oh my... they're really really good. Her voice and talent... she has posted 4 demo songs... think she just composed them? Don't think they have been released into the market. If I can listen out the lyrics I'll post it up one day.

Okay, not feeling so good today - even my tummy's having some problems. :(

I should get some sleep now.

Night.

Collide - Howie Day

2006-10-26T12:10:00.000+08:00

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel distant from You.
Why?
What do You want of me?
Please grant me the strength to pray so that with Your grace, I may let go of my human nature and grasp the divine. I face an ongoing battle with my own selfishness, that hurts others and You. I am imperfect O Lord, truly imperfect. But You know I try my best. Unworthy as I am, please keep us close to You.

Thank You.

Week.

2006-10-22T14:01:00.000+08:00

ACTS:
Adoration
Contrition
Thanksgiving
Supplication

During one of the MM CGs 2 weeks ago, I learnt this "formula" ACTS for praying. Easy to remember and follow.

During friday mass, many seminarians came down to create awareness on religious vocations, specifically on the priesthood. Wow, to be a priest is to be given the honour of being the alter Christus during the celebration of the mass. It is such a beautiful vocation. Haha, felt weird though when I was passing the erm.. book on priestly vocations to Dwi. >.<

I had a wonderful day on Saturday. =)
I thought I was thoughtful but you showed me thoughtfulness and care for others. I have much to learn.

Sunday. Mass. Commitment and Compassion is what I must remember to love like You have loved.

~~~~~~~

Work. 2 projects and 1 assignment done this week. Another test on Pharmacology is coming up next wednesday + an assignment due I think. Slowly getting back to the pace of work. A few weeks ago I was highly disorganized and I had no heart to focus on my work. Now things are slowly falling into place. A fine balance of time is sorely needed. May I not be lazy! May I have the energy to press on. Ah, I have a substitute companion, Smiley boy as the "alter Dwi". He'll take over the duties of the BF when the real thing is not around. >.< A pity he cannot interact but... he's always smiling! The best fixed emotion. *grin*

All the best everyone and smile! =)

Capai / Tired / "oweeaaak" / Exhausted

2006-10-20T00:28:00.000+08:00

I am tired... super tired... and the night has just started...
Hate this feeling man... sleep is a luxury... =(
Please grant me strength to last the night.
All the best to those who have to burn midnight oil too! =)

Agape.

Prayer

2006-10-10T14:14:00.000+08:00

In times of adversity, what the mind deems important changes in a flash.

To love is not to expect anything in return - I have already been so blessed... I am witnessing a living miracle. I own nothing. What He gives, He can take away. I want to be strong and live with no regrets. No regrets please!

You bring me to my knees for I am powerless. I pray for strength to shine Your love through me. Let me shine, let me bring joy, let me treasure every single moment so that there will be no regrets!

Let me hope, let not my faith waver. Keep me focused on You.

An Eventful Week

2006-10-01T15:19:00.000+08:00

This week has been everything but normal.

On tuesday Jo and I met for a coffee break and chat. She was so sweet to ask what is it I wanted to do and even scrapped the movie to come mugging with me. But we ended up chatting anyway, which was great. =)

I have two people who, sadly, are not on talking terms with me.

I came into contact with one of them who I never thought was possible at this present moment. It was you who broke the ice and it was you who asked Joanne privately whether I was okay during the brief study meeting when I went to get water. You still can read me, in all subtlety. Not many words were exchanged but seeing is believing - you seemed fine, to say the least. All this while I couldn't forgive myself for the pain I put you through - that was the prison I had for myself. Now I can try to start forgiving myself. We part in peace. I thanked you with an indication of not needing to reply that evening. Is there anything more I can ask for? It is a new beginning.

Thank you once again.

I took a walk by myself to the Esplanade on one of the days as well. It was a hazy night, with the smell of charred wood permeating the air. Not a good time to sit by the river to reflect and let my mind take a break. Hence I stayed inside the building, listening to the rich sound of a live band performing middle eastern music. That brightened up my night.

In terms of studying, it has been progressing so slowly - had too many things on my mind to focus in the mid-sem break. Hopefully after a good rest I can pick up my pace tonight.

"Forgive me for all my faults."

Thank you for encouraging me to visit my grandmother on friday, sitting down and listening patiently for almost an hour straight while I conversed wih her even though you do not understand the dialect... I don't really visit my grandmother of my own accord although I do care very much about her. Spending time with me my brother and I... going to my paternal side and being your sincere self with my cousins whom I love so dear... seeking permission from my dad whether I can go home late from a friend's 21st birthday party... encouraging me in pictionary because perhaps you knew I was feeling a little discouraged (I really am bad in drawing) and not caring even though we were like the last because having fun is what really matters... carrying my bag and walking all the way out to take a cab because I wanted to go home, even though midnight charge would be over in one more hour... asking me whether I was afraid because the road was dead quiet and there were stray dogs roaming around.

You know my answer, and you know the reason why.

Agape.

2006-09-26T02:41:00.000+08:00

The night goes on.

It is in the silence of the night where the heart can lose its inhibitions and cry out to Him, in total honesty of all that is weighing it down.

I need You.

A little braveheart I try to be, to learn to smile from within, to learn to be strong.

It is through prayer and reflection that the heart realises so many things to be thankful for. This realisation is truly a source of comfort which fuels the strength to continue hoping and a reason to smile.

Please keep me close to You.

2006-09-25T14:01:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to start on my work. I know I have to but all I want to do is to sleep my day away. Sigh. I need to make my mind focus somehow and not wander.

Anyways, I'm glad it's mid-sem break. :) Hmm, maybe I should sleep for a while.

***

(4.35pm)

Oh no.. I slept for 2 hours and I still feel like sleeping!! Surfing the net is not helping to keep me awake. I need to try... :\ Now all I want to do is look out of my window, watch the leaves of the tree sway in the evening breeze and let my mind wander. Perhaps I should change my music - this is too melancholy for me.

Ok done. Hopefully this new playlist works.

Take care everyone.

2006-09-21T23:13:00.000+08:00

These past few weeks have been tough for me with personal struggles to deal with. After going through this week with one mid term and trying to refocus back on school work, I'm superlatively exhausted. I really couldn't bring myself to go for dinner, as much as I would have loved to, after MM session tonight. However I'm glad I attended Science CG yesterday, stayed back for dinner with Dwi and the ABEngs yesterday and attended MM session today despite feeling really drained. There is a little smile in my heart because I could give gladly. Thank you Lord.

I would like to thank my friends who have been concerned over my recent moodiness. Thank you for bearing with me and I hope I didn't worry you all too much. I am all right now. My mood is getting better! :) I hope I can be there for you guys as you have been here for me.

May His strength be yours.

I'm grateful.

2006-09-19T18:08:00.000+08:00

woohoo!

I'm in luck. =)

My 9am class has been shifted to 3pm in the afternoon tmr! yesyesyesyes! 1 more precious hour of sleep.

I'm grateful for the 10 min wait before my 10am class.

I'm grateful for the =Þ drawn on my lecture notes as a happy distraction to keep me awake.

I'm grateful for the timely encouraging sms just when I was alone trudging along to the comp lab to finish my assignment.

I'm grateful for the unplanned company and chat to city hall mrt.

I'm grateful for the tea I had after I got home.

I'm grateful for the pink and blue tulips I received and it was timely because I broke mine own tulip.

I shall rest for the long night to come.

Psalm 31 (responsorial psalm)

2006-09-17T21:59:00.000+08:00

Save me O Lord, in Your Love.

In you, O Lord, I take refuge.
Let me never be put to shame.
In your justice, set me free,
hear me and speedily rescue me.

Be a rock of refuge for me,
a mighty stronghold to save me,
For you are my rock, my stronghold,
For your name’s sake, lead me and guide me.

Release me from the snares they have hidden
For you are my refuge, Lord.
Into your hands I commend my spirit.
It is you who will redeem me, Lord.

As for me, I trust in you, Lord,
I say: 'You are my God.
My life is in your hands, deliver me
from the hands of those who hate me.'

How great is the goodness, Lord,
that you keep for those who fear you,
that you show to those who trust you

2006-09-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord,

I am not strong enough to handle this on my own.
You say that you will not give people things too big that they cannot handle - but this is too much for me.

Please, stop these thoughts. They have already served their purpose.

Sleeping my day away.

2006-09-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

When you are depressed and praying doesn't seem to make your heart feel better, I suggest you just hit the sack and sleep it all away. When you wake up, everything feels better. And you can go back to praying.

I hypothesize that you feel 100x more depressed when you lack sleep than when you are fresh. Someone should go and conduct an experiment on the levels of serotonin produced.

Today I was feeling uber crappy from thinking too much. So I kinda slept my day away. In the evening I went for a short car ride with my parents to my dad's office holiday bungalow at pasir ris park area. Visiting that place brought back much memories of fun. The sneaking out to 7-11, the walks at the beach, the nintendo games, the sleepovers... but darn, the table tennis table is GONE! Anyhow it was a lovely car ride. I brought my Jack Johnson's CD to listen. Looking out of the window with the rain pouring and no valuables on me (no hp, no wallet, no keys), I felt safe from the world, with nothing to worry about for a while. I was glad.

No fear Mich, no fear, just faith.

Music Ministry

2006-09-10T11:37:00.000+08:00

It's finally done. The new committee has been formed.
I'm really so glad.

I had extra help yesterday in leading my session on lifting up your burdens for MM discernment - more than extra help... he became my co-leader, the inspiration of the passage we had picked to share. Thank you. On friday I was quite in a bad state as my head was spinning and I had not tied up the loose ends yet for the session the next day. And thank Him for working wonders when I was only surviving on 2 hours of sleep... During my sharing, I almost broke down. Luckily I managed to maintain my composure heh. Anyhow, those things are in the past and I look forward to a wonderful year ahead! :)

Agape.

2006-09-07T01:00:00.000+08:00

Finally a smile creeping back.

Finding the strength to let go of the load.

"May His strength be yours"

May His strength be mine.

Actions speak louder than words sometimes.

8th.

:)

2006-08-31T04:16:00.000+08:00

Empty my thoughts of pride and fear, and lead me to where You want me to be.

2006-08-29T22:13:00.000+08:00

I am unable to express what I am feeling right now.

My head is a whirlpool. My heart is a warzone.

Steady me please!

2006-08-28T22:41:00.000+08:00

Strength and focus are what I need right now to carry out the duties that are required of me...

Dear Lord, I need You.

"My grace is all you need, for My power is greatest when you are weak."

Updated*

2006-08-27T00:07:00.000+08:00

Happy 21st Birthday Shaun (in advance)! A beautiful dinner, attended by so many friends from different places with the birthday boy in mind. :) I'm glad I stayed throughout the whole birthday despite being 'groupless'. It gladdens my heart to see this friend of mine being so loved and appreciated by everyone.

* * *

A confused mind for a troubled heart. A disturbed soul. I need to find the quietude amongst the cacophony of my life. How fragile is progress. How precious it is because what people work so hard to achieve can be reversed in a flash.

Lord, I need You. Have mercy on me.

* * *

1.39pm

Funny how it is that you're sinking down and down just an hour ago and all you want to do is just to sleep the whole day away, and after an hour later, when you're helping someone do something despite your hurting self, your heart is suddenly warmed with a flicker of hope. Perhaps it is the lyrics of this song I came across that spoke to me when I was researching a meaningful song for my friend's session.

An excerpt from "God is in Control - Twila Paris"

This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determination
Don’t lose the vision here
Carried away by the motion

Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him
We know, ohh, God is in control
Ohh, God is in control

Face your fears Mich. God will provide.

Sleep.

2006-08-24T08:57:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!

Can't seem to re-energise myself by sleeping. Am I falling sick? I'm aching all over. A sign of the flu bug? :\ Ah, sleeping is my new favourite hobby. Record-breaker for a long time.. sleeping at 10+ pm last night! After 10 hours I strangely still feel like sleeping. Sigh.

I need to pray - haven't been conversing with Him for a while.

The Revenge of the Migraine

2006-08-22T05:20:00.000+08:00

Oh boy, I have this terrible headache which is lasting for almost 3 days. Hopefully this will subside soon.

My Day. updated

2006-08-19T02:55:00.000+08:00

2.55am

A realisation that I am really a scatterbrain. I know I can do things right, I really can. Maybe I need to organise myself.

A wonderful birthday. *^^* I felt like a special guest, me and Joanne being the only 2 non-dunmanians! Although it wasn't my birthday, my heart goes all out to the organiser - Deborah Koh, for so much love put into it. I am deeply touched by the whole event... perhaps we 5 should bond more - or rather I should take more effort to keep these friendships strong. They are beautiful people, really. Happy, happy birthday dear Wan Zhen! :)

A prayer request for a troubled heart.

A nice supper with me parents.

A lovely photo on my desktop which made me smile. =)

12.41pm

It's completely retarded that the heart can be so silly at times. Sigh. I wish I could just will it away. =/

1.20pm

Ooh... rain! not the heavy sort with gusts of wind but the gentler sort, which waters the plants and makes them happy. Ha.
Thank You Lord.

2006-08-17T10:48:00.000+08:00

School has started. Trying to fit into the momentum of school. I'm so not a morning person but I should try to be one! >.< I am going to try not to disappear from science so much anymore. Friends grow, things change, I just hope that I will accept and love with open arms.

Busy weeks ahead with handing over and such. Certain things keep slipping my mind! Can't seem to remember everything! Grrrr.

The days so far have been pretty all right. The downs do exist, but the ups exist in higher numbers so I am thankful. Perhaps the force has been restored to the system. Hehheh.

Thank you for the company back home at the expense of your weariness... I am speechless.

Agape.

An Adventure to Remember!

2006-08-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

"Would you like to go on an adventure with me?"

A leap of faith.
A promise made.
And a yes.

I Can't Sleep!

2006-08-11T04:25:00.000+08:00

My eyes are tearing like mad but I can't seem to fall asleep. I close my eyes till they start twitching. ARGH.

I hate it when my mind starts to think too much and the excessive worrying kicks in where little problems get magnified 10x in my brain. I need a bat to whack some sense into my head. Grr. Shucks, there goes my plan to sleep early to wake up early to go jogging. Slow and steady Mich. Be brave, be strong and have faith. You have every reason to smile. Yes I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, the mood to pray.

Listening to songs now as I type. Sets me daydreaming. Far Away by Nickelback is one of my all-time fav love songs. :) Okay, If You Were My Baby by Rick Price is nice too (that's because it's playing now, haha, I'm so easily swayed). Oh oh! How about Everlasting Love? That funky song lagi make me cannot sleep.

Please keep the unrest in the Middle East, as well as the uncertainty of the terror threat in the UK in your prayers. Was talking to my dad last night and he sighed, "there can never be world peace." I wish this senseless fighting would end soon. World peace is indeed perfection. We may never achieve utopia but fragile and imperfect as we are, the human race is resilient. Hope burns in our hearts for a better world. That is the strength and beauty of the human spirit.

Happy 41st Birthday Singapore!

2006-08-09T22:57:00.000+08:00

Many things to do and see this National day, not forgetting the Fireworks Festival which ends this saturday 12 Aug! :) For more details, click on the picture above. (Thanks Elaine!)

Had an eventful day.

Visited Ms Goh's wake with Elaine and Dwi. It made me realise that she has done so much and touched so many hearts. I hope she knows how grateful I am.

NDP-watching at home. A quiet affair.
Dinner was great. =)

Thank you Lord for today.

080806 updated.

2006-08-08T21:24:00.000+08:00

4.39pm

Feeling kinda sian today. =( I'm not exactly bored because I do have things to do. I just feel heavy-hearted. I've been procrastinating certain things for a long while. I finally got down to settle some stuff this morning at the expense of my mood now. However I have hope that my mind will clear and reconcile my inner disturbings with myself. Please lead the way.

Before my mother went to town for her haircut, she brought back a bag full of unwanted CDs from her workplace. As I sifted through the stack, I got my hands on Savage Garden's Affirmation album (the one with The Animal Song in it). It's pretty old - recorded in 1999. It reminded me of Elaine as she was a fan of them during our secondary school days. Now I understand why. Their music's pretty good. What caught me most was the lyrics to some of their songs. Lyrics of music are somewhat poetry right? I think music which you hold dear to your heart will be those whose lyrics speak out to you, touching you.

Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart;

If you need to crash, then crash and burn
You're not alone.

- Crash and Burn by Savage Garden

9.24pm

Back from my grandma's place. A cosy dinner, just the four of us... mom, dad, mama and myself. Overload of pig stomach's soup ("de dou tng"). She cooked "cheng tng" as well. When I asked her how she cooked "cheng tng", her instructions sounded pretty complicated. *grin* I love my grandma although I really can't hold a conversation for nuts. Don't know why my head felt tight and a little dense. Perhaps the spectacle hooks round my ears were too tight or something. Anyhows, my mood's back up when I realised how silly I was being an ass, sulking and being grumpy in the afternoon all because... hmm. As amazing as it sounds, a single sms can brighten up a person's day. =) Hah, the power of technology? =P

Visiting Ms Goh's wake tomorrow. The reflective mood, with the memories is starting to kick in. She's one teacher I'll never forget.

Agape.

Sunshine Through the Rain

2006-08-04T01:43:00.000+08:00

The Night.

2006-08-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

I was just about to delve into the darkness of the night when someone unexpected msned me in reply to a certain issue that I had brought up. It feels good to be remembered. A simple chat ensued although I had already planned on logging off earlier. Thank you, my friend. It's always great catching up with you. A smile for me tonight!

I hate the night. It is when sadness, uncertainty, hurt, frustration and fear are allowed to escape from the Pandora's box into my heart. It is easier to resist these negative notions during the light of day. However, at night, when everyone's asleep, when it's all dark, when the mind is tired of battling all day, these emotions take over.

I feel lost. I don't know what I should be doing with myself now. I'm stuck in a moment and I don't know what to do or where to head towards to. I don't want to be like this, all painted grey, listless, physically present but unable to focus my restless mind on anything important. I need to find my way somehow.

Who am I? What am I? Am I trying to be someone I am not? Or is there another side of me that I have been suppressing? I need to know. Is my formula wrong? Am I doing things all wrong? Why then is it so hard to see things eye-to-eye?

Please let the negativity stop or I will go insane!

What a day.

2006-07-30T16:06:00.000+08:00

When something angers, hurts or saddens me, no matter how hard I try to not think about it since thinking about it wouldn't solve anything, no matter how hard I try to smile and do something useful for the day, it just doesn't work out and the day becomes a wash-out. I wish I could look at things in perspective, then things wouldn't affect me so much. I just don't have the energy to do anything much.

Can the feeling just go away?

**updated at 2217h**
Damn the tummy... it's kinda bloated. I'm gassing.
Damn the modules, damn the timetable, damn myself for not doing what I ought to do!

Silence is a blackhole within the heart

Wipe this look off your face Mich! ARgh.

: )

2006-07-26T13:39:00.000+08:00

Things have been pretty okay lately, save for the nights where my brain can't seem to shut down and thoughts come and go and unsettle me. However, every morning when I wake is a brand new day! New hope for the day and days ahead, new courage to face obstacles that stand in my way and a new lease of life. Feeling more rested now. :)

I witnessed the confirmation of 4 friends, Dwi, Gabriel, Jason Tay and Karen, last saturday at SMOTA. The day touched me deeply.

Agape.

Hair For Hope

2006-07-25T11:28:00.000+08:00

Hair for Hope is an event which invites members of the public to shave their heads to show their support for children with cancer, to raise funds for the Children's Cancer Foundation (CCF) and to create awareness of cancer, especially in children.

A few of my friends are going to shave their heads in order to support the Children's Cancer Foundation. Please take some time to visit the links below and if you can, pledge a donation for the CCF.

Daniel Yeo

Gregory Teo

Ivan Louis Fernandez

Michelle Tan

Shane Nicolas Pereira

If you like to witness the shaving, here are the details:
Time: 1345h
Date: 30/7/06
Venue: Suntec City Mall Fountain Of Wealth

May a cure be found one day.

Agape.

2006-07-19T22:55:00.000+08:00

Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love
present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or
the darkness that comes when there is not light.

Thank Yous...

2006-07-19T11:54:00.000+08:00

I would like to say thank you to...

Neph - for always commenting on my blog, talking to me via msn and sometimes sending some smses to cheer me up! Although I don't share a lot of my problems with you and meet up as often as normal friends would do, which may make you feel excluded from my life even though we've been good friends for 4 years, I thank you for not being resentful to me and continuing to have faith in our friendship despite you migrating. Thank you.

Dan - for that one lone sms asking me whether I was all right and the late night chat on msn to cheer me up. Although we don't really meet up as often as normal friends would do, I'm really glad for our friendship.

Jason Tay - for msning me after not talking for like damn long over msn to ask me whether I was all right. It did make my night brighter. I'll never forget how you helped me get through a difficult period last year.

Jac - for calling me on sunday night to make sure I was all right. Your friendship means a lot to me and I am actually a little sad that we're kinda drifting because of different commitments. Nevertheless, I'm really glad that our friendship still remains as it is.

MM - for the healing retreat and the affirmations. They mean a lot to me.

Kor - for the chips, the laughter, the X-men gaming and cartoon-watching. I look forward to that every night because I feel happy spending time with you, like for a while, my problems are *poof* gone. You're the best brother, EVER. We're so different and yet... you can make me feel comfortable, which not many people can.

Mom - for a wonderful day yesterday, for cheering me up although it vexes you not to know why I'm having perpetual mood swings. I really enjoyed my day yesterday although it was short because we left the house a little late. I actually enjoyed shopping! Oh man, the little shops and bugis junction... just looking at the pretty trinkets made me smile. And and and bugis street is kerazy!! The jeans there are so much cheaper. Thank you for not getting angry when I left a little earlier... I think I've got this flexibility trait from you mom. And thank you for willingly wanting to fetch me home yesterday night from the mrt... I would have taken the bus home but I had a headache and I was too tired to take the bus back so I called.

Jeki - the person in the front line who takes all my shit because I see you everyday the most. It was you who told my mom to bring me to bugis street because I don't like to buy expensive jeans. =) It's you who sees me in my really digusting state, when I swear, scream and cry to myself.

Dad - for always smiling even though you know that I'm down because you know me well enough to sense that even though when you ask me whether I'm okay, I say yes. Thank you so much.

Jo - for writing that email and for the good morning sms even though you didn't have to. That meant a lot to me.

Dwi - for responding to me even though it hurts a lot.

2006-07-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

I have ceased to function normally.
The darkness in my heart is taking over me.
Where has the love gone to?
I am hurt beyond description,
whether or not I brought it upon myself,
or it was inflicted unto me by others.

I shouldn't blame others, they are good people.
This holidays have been really tough for me.
But I am responsible for myself if it affects how I function.
Perhaps there is something wrong with me.
I cease to function, I cease to reason,
I cease to think.

I have tried my best to love.
Perhaps I have failed.

Maybe I don't deserve it but I could really use
a little loving,
a little understanding,
a little kindness,
a little tolerance.

How about a get-to-know-me session?

2006-07-16T10:03:00.000+08:00

A new low.
3 favourite people I smsed yesterday, didn't sms back.

Sounds dumb? Perhaps.
However, given the circumstances yesterday, I can't help feeling this way.

Maybe I need to disappear for awhile for time to allow them to make peace with me. It hurts to keep thinking. STOP.

Picking up the Pieces

2006-07-12T01:44:00.000+08:00

Picking up the pieces,
Slowly but surely.
Piecing back, one by one.
For every step back,
Two steps forward.

Thank You Lord. :')

2006-07-11T02:53:00.000+08:00

Restless thoughts meander like the night wind through a forest.

Grant me strength Dear Lord, to carry out my duties.
You can work miracles, even with such a person like me.
I offer it all up to You.

2006-07-09T00:42:00.000+08:00

I have a ring called Hope.
There are so many things... so many things.
Steady Mich, STEADY!

I had a good day on the 7th. Many smiles on the outside as well as from the inside. Can we have more of those please? It's not about the drinks and late nights.

2006-07-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

I feel petty but then... ARGH!! >.<|||
Maybe you were just sleepy la. Pooi.

Looking forward to a brand new day! =)

Met up with Ms Forgetful for dinner. =)
Thank you Ms Jacqi for asking me how I was. I'm much better now! Hope to see you soon. Hey maybe you should have a little Miss name as well! *grin*
Received an unexpected sms from an old friend... I will pray for you and your familiy. If you need a listening ear, do give me a ring.

Perhaps I should change my fav. no. to 7.. haha.
OOH.. it's someone's special day today as well. May you have a wonderful time dearie.

Agape.

2006-07-05T01:25:00.000+08:00

The past few days at home have been a struggle.
I salute them - they tried to cheer me up even though I think it pains them to see me being down and not knowing why.
Who can I fool at home? I try real hard to put on a smile but it's all in vain.
I'm glad I gave them smiles tonight. I wasn't quite all right yet but I tried my best. I want to be a joy giver! Not some sad-faced moody perpetually PMSing girl.

I need to learn to smile in times of trouble - something which I find so hard to do. I get affected by other people's emotions so easily... too easily in fact. I need to learn to genuinely be all right even when other people's negative emotions are directed toward me. It is then I can smile from within and be strong. Now, I'm just faking the whole thing, pretending to be all right when I'm actually screwed up inside. Don't be a hero when you are unable to Mich. Otherwise your words would be mere empty promises.

I find it hard to go against people. I would rather sacrifice my own identity for the sake of peace and harmony. It's easier for me to deal with my own negative emotions than to deal with other people's negative emotions because: if I sacrificed my own identity for example, only I would be unhappy. If I insisted on my way and go against others, others would be unhappy and that would make me unhappy (refer to the above paragraph), which would hurt even more. However, I need to try even if it hurts. In order not to build walls around myself, I need to learn not to put on a mask, otherwise people will never know me and get close to me.

Thank You for everything. May I continue to hope and believe.

2006-07-04T01:53:00.000+08:00

I chanced upon an old friend's blog.
Reminded me to search for this song, which brightened up my night!

Love Generation (feat. Gary Pine, radio edit)- Bob Sinclair

From Jamaica to the world,
It's just love,
it's just love,
Yeah!

Why must the children play in the streets,
broken hearts and faded dreams,
peace and love to everyone that you meet,
don't you worry, it could be so sweet,
Just look to the rainbow, you will see
the sun will shine till eternity,
I've got so much love in my heart,
No-one can tear it apart,
Yeah,

Be the love generation,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Be the love generation,
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon yeah

Be the love generation,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Be the love generation,
ooh, yeah

Don't worry about a thing, gonna be alright (x3)
gonna be, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna be alright

It's all love you know, it's all love, from I and I to everyone
got the love, we got the love yeah
there's no need to cry yeah
got the love, we got the love yeah
gotta live that love, you know what I'm talking about

C'mon, Be the love generation
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Be the love generation,
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, yeah (x2)

Be the love generation, ooh yeah
It's all love, you know,
Be the love generation,
got the love, got the love, oh we got the love, yeah, yeah

2006-07-01T15:43:00.000+08:00

A walk to clear my head.
Conflicted inside, despair sets in.
Which is the path of love?
Am I truly loving?
If so, why does it hurt so much?

He will make a way somehow.
Please guide me.

2006-06-27T21:45:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the heartfelt conversation and letting me meet a very special someone. :) May all of us last...

Far Away - Nickelback

2006-06-27T02:04:00.000+08:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and
never let me go
___________________________________

Fell asleep during the soccer match between Australia and Italy. Don't know what overcame me man. Slowly sobered up after a phone call. With my contacts festering in my eyes, I am in a reflective mood once again, for the past nights in recent times.

The 5 long days... are finally over.

Bittersweet tears
Kneeling in thanksgiving
The treasure in Pandora's box
Keeps the flame burning

Strength to renew
Mind to remember
What truly matters.

Colours

2006-06-26T01:57:00.000+08:00

The colours slowly creep in.
Redness returns to her cheek
Her face lights up,
With a gold sparkle twinkling in her eyes
A smile of white slowly emerges.

The heart, warmed, starts to feel.
The colours slowly diffuse
Painting over shades of grey.
The breath of life, love,
Gives rise to hope from within.

2006-06-24T12:05:00.000+08:00

I will use whatever strength I have to smile and be happy today. I'm old enough, I shouldn't let my internal hot and cold sentiments affect me and those around me. Wipe that look off your face now Mich!

I will not dampen your day/night.

Time for breakfast.

2006-06-24T02:15:00.000+08:00

I know of a Mr Brave.
He lives in a place with lots of greenery and lakes.

I've mosquito bites on my feet! Veryveryveryveryveryvery itchy. A little painful as well. Went out to chill with the science peeps in honour of Mr B tonight. Thank you.

Sleep will overpower this restless mind of mine tonight for I'm actually quite physically exhausted from the whole day of not being able to nap even though I tried to. Think will knock out during soccer later with my pops. BUT we have some supper from dinner leftovers... yumyum.

Now to wash up and put some ointment on those bites... and change into PJs.

May Korea WIN!