0534 h
Argh... I was too zombiefied last night to study a math-like subject whose midterms is today which needs a significant amount of analysis from my brain... I stared at the questions, the questions stared back at me, blankly. Felt quite stressed last night that I kept distracting people and stoning so I had to cut short my study time and left YIH at 10 pm and 'pang seh' my friend. Thank you for the company and concern, it feels so much better to have a friend around when you are like so tired, stressed and down although I feel bad for erm, disrupting your studies when you had so much to do!! >.<
Speaking of study buddies, I was blessed yesterday. In the afternoon I had another study buddy... Joanne. I was in the science library with her and I for the time there, I felt happy to be able to study there with a friend... like I'm not alone and it gives me strength to go on. I felt a sense of contentment then and I stopped to give thanks, quietly in my heart.
Mornings are nice times to reflect on the past events and things that are bothering you, in a positive light. Perhaps I'm growing and maturing more each time. Thinking about things like this gives me a big headache although these thoughts will never really go away due to my human nature. I need to keep looking to Him, because I don't know what to do. I feel inadequate in making these sort of decisions for I think I'm selfishly immature. May I learn to love more deeply, without the element of selfishness inside. I have experienced that selfishness hurts a lot of people, knowingly and unknowingly. I will not be a cause of hurt to others anymore just because I succumb to my weakness of yearning for comfort. It hurts a lot to know that you hurt those you care about and the guilt is just crushing. I thank God for my self-declared holiday and I'll stick to it to grow and heal more. Hopefully I won't be such a retarded, jaded and broken person in time. On a lighter note, I think I'm getting much better from the last few months. C'mon Mich, give yourself some credit... you are not so depressed anymore! I see improvement. This gives me hope.
To quote: No Hope, No Peace - Know Hope, Know Peace.
Agape.
posted by Michelle at 5:34 am
4 Comments:
Haiz, aunt... You still think you're
Mother Theresa... Guilt is something we react to yes. But can u not react so violently to it? Even a hyper-active immune system has it's problems... As a med student u should know that.
Errr, no offense intended ok aunt... It's just that,to me, a sense of guilt is like a warning from your conscience(i.e the Holy Spirit). Like the skin rash that jus tels you you are allergic. But it's mostly just a warning. It's all well and good to think about others, to aim to be selfless, to try to make reparations as much as possible. But once you've taken the measures, 'doled out the medicine', and become better for it. Why do you instead keep blaming yourself, letting your guilt grow, when there's really nothing really there anymore? i.e. Guilt is part of the immune system. It should become the main cause of the pain. That's sin, and not the Holy spirit... Bleah I know i not cmpletely making sense but i hope u undersand aunt. take care and God bless.. God loves ya anyway ok :)
should not*
hmm... don't worry excessively lah... =) this place is for me to vent and vent. I think I have improved a lot already and am learning and healing in my own time. Thank you so much for your continued concern... you are a good friend! =)
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