I Live by Faith and Not by Sight

A friend recently explained to me the phrase "I live by faith and not by sight". I find that terribly difficult to do. =( Like yesterday, I took the MRT back home from buona vista all the way to simei (ha, bro was SOSOSO nice to come and pick me up!). Anyway, on my way to the MRT station, I saw this man with a long beard and a backpack and immediately morbid thoughts ran through my brain about the terrorist attacks in London. As I walked on the platform to one end, I passed him and something in me challenged me to stand next to him throughout the journey home... However, I didn't because I argued in my mind that on a normal situation I would always walk to one end of the platform and not board in the middle, where he was standing. On the MRT ride home, I felt really horrible for having that thought in my mind. Where is the love and trust in society and in God? Every time when thoughts like these enter my mind, I tell Him that I'm not ready to go yet! When will I ever be ready to go and just trust that everything will be all right? I don't know.

Last night my mom was talking about passing her pair of diamond earrings down to me when I turned 21 next year and then the conversation shifted to what to do on my birthday... if it's going to be a celebration she asked me to invite my friends... I was like, don't want lah. I feel sad for having to say that I didn't want to. ='( I would like to, but things would be awkward with a particular someone whom I consider as my close friend, and HOW can I NOT invite that person and invite others? And even if I invited that person, would that person want to go? So if I celebrated my birthday in that way, I would be reminded that this sad fact exists - then I'd rather not celebrate my birthday at all in that way. I really wish that this animosity between these two parties didn't exist at all. Even after so long, it really hurts, which makes me wonder, will things ever be okay? Maybe I should communicate with my mom/parents about this. Maybe I'm assuming things again and feeling sad unneccessarily. But the thing is I find it SO hard to communicate to them pertaining to this for it is SUPER emotionally draining. I dread it so much.

I live by faith and not by sight - it's so difficult when things seem unsolvable, and I wonder whether things will be solved at all. I won't stop hoping I hope. I will pray and hope that reconcilliation will take place one day, so that a fuller healing can take place.

Agape.