Relapse

Why, do I fight so hard, only to fall into this relapse again? What is the meaning of being strong? I don't know. I wish things were simpler. Why does it hurt so much? I just want to run away... run away from everything. Have my efforts been all in vain? Where did my stability go to? Why do I have a gaping hole deep down? Please, let me be free from this...

Love, how do I love those around me? Why does loving hurt so much? Where is the balance between loving myself and loving others? Does no one understand me anymore? No one will ever understand me and the conflicts I have within me. I am unable to express myself to anyone anymore. I don't have the strength to anymore.

What do I really want? Good grades? First class honours? Why do I pressurise myself so? Do I feel happy getting those grades? Why do I strive for good grades? I'm beginning to hate aiming so high... for it sacrifices a lot of things. I'm tired, I'm so tired! My heart yearns not for the comfort of books. Yet, I cannot be selfish. Blogging is sufficient for me.

I wish for the impossible. I wish for politics around me and within me to disappear.
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Lying on the bed does have a calming effect on me. At least my hysteria has died down. May I never let go of His hand. May He purify my mind and heart to focus what I ought to do...

Agape.