<3

Thank you all for your <3

I had hugs.. though not physical, they were felt. :) Encouraging smses and msns as well got me through last night. You all know who you are. Oh, and talking to my parents helped, a lot.

Felt pretty sucky after the paper this morning - a very stunned, blank, hapless feeling. Bleah.

Been very worried about UROPS. Sometimes I have to make good effort to suppress the panic inside me, even while studying for yesterday's test. ARGH. No fear, no fear, no fear. All right, I've rested enough. Time to hit the... erm.. keyboard.

You, who have been ill, have been sorely missed. You, who are feeling down, I feel ya. :( May you smile from within. Meanwhile, I hold my heart still.

I'm feeling down. =(

I could really use a big hug right now.

A new way to be human

Lately, I feel raw, likening it to a piece of unpolished wood, with the lines and swirls so clearly seen, its flaws and scratches laid out in the open. I feel, very real. I see my flaws, my tempers rise and fall. I feel angst, sorrow, anger, hurt, joy, gratitude, appreciation, being blessed, worry, anxiety, weariness... the list goes on. Isn't it amazing to be human? To be able to experience a whole bombardment of feelings and somehow observing yourself from a 3rd person, you see yourself rise and fall and go against the odds to triumph in your own way. The flaws of mine - I want to embrace them, not shun them because it is the courageous struggle of how the resilience of one's spirit overcomes the odds of being human that the true beauty lies.

Shit. I think my brain is saturated. My notes and I are like like poles of a magnest - we repel each other. Think it's a signal that I should stop reading them. My brain's real hazy... I wished I had more strength, reserve, determination and focus. I feel like bingeing on something but I'm afraid that it'll make me sleepier. OK, I shall go get some coffee!! NO MORE TIME TO WASTE! I can't wait for 7.15pm to come.

Thanks Jo for the milkshake treat and for being my alarm clock. :)

Thank You Lord, I feel better.

My Prof and I

The prof I am working under for UROPS is terribly stern and frank when it comes to work. However, he can make you inspired by his dedication and enthusiasm.

:) Scary but inspirational.

Rush hour 2 coming up after a nappy break.

I crave for silence for my moody heart to be still.

_____________________________________
6.10pm

Feeling better after a nap, a phone call to Jeki and BLEACH! This week's episode is GREAT STUFF. Thank you Lord. ROUND 2 of work begins!

The Weekend.

I should be quivering at the sheer amount of work that is ahead of me - strangely I am not. I guess after 5 semesters I have somewhat learnt the art stress management so that I won't unnecessarily worry people. The end of the week has been great - Friday I got to hang out with some wonderful people and engage in a two-hour laughter therapy. Saturday started out real bad... I wrongly remembered the Physiology open house date and missed this opportunity which I had been waiting so long for. Furthermore, I travelled all the way to school only to find out that the SPSS programme wasn't working The preliminary presentation is this coming thursday and I REALLY NEEDED TO RUN THOSE TESTS. Fortunately there was a kind senior who showed me a way out. The day turned out much much better in the evening. :) I had great company on the way back to the east, had a fun time exploring the bus routes to my grandma's place, had great food, had great conversations with an older cousin, had a back-to-the-past experience going down to the mama shop to buy sweets, had a fine time playing hangman and also playing aeroplanes with my younger cousins. It would have been really great if we could bring them down to play those aeroplanes but it was raining and they were ill. A sweet, sad parting at the end of everything, and the knowledge of a lonely pain-ass ride back saddened me even more. BUT we'll surely meet soon! <3

However, I do regret not being able to do certain things this weekend - going down to Cindy's maiden flea market sale, going down to east coast park to support Jac in her biathalon with Iggy C and going to uncle andrew's place tonight for dinner (15th day of CNY). I really wish I could have been there but this week is CRUNCH-TIME week. :(

Another thing which I wish I could get myself going is to do some REAL SERIOUS lenten reflection. I am too distracted to focus. I really want to reflect, grow and change to become a better person.

To live life to the full

I envy people who have so much energy within them to want to live life to the full.
I wonder what I am like... I wonder what it is that drives me deep down inside. I wonder whether there is ever someone who can bring out the ME in me. It's not that I do not have people I am close to... I have my best friends, I have my family, I have the boy, I have my friends, I have my cousins... it is just that I am too good in hiding ME, choosing instead to be a chameleon, changing to suit the needs of others. Why do I hide ME? I think it's because I REALLY HATE friction, choosing to sacrifice my own self identity for the sake of harmony. However, I have been over-doing it. As a result, after a long time period, I lose my own idea of self.

Wait a minute, why am I waiting for someone to bring out the ME in me? Can't I bring it out by my own? I can't expect to be changed if I don't do something about it. I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF.

I don't want to be merely a shadow. I want to have a form to call my own. I want to know who I am, what I love to do, and reach out to do things that are fulfilling in order to grow and live life to the full. I want to seize the day instead of taking the back seat and watch time pass by, wasted. I need to free my mind from all that is holding me back from being myself. I need to dare to dream. I need to challenge that mould I have created so superbly in people's minds of myself.
I just hope that when I finally know who I am and have the guts to show it, people will accept the ME in me, not just the chameleon.