To live life to the full

I envy people who have so much energy within them to want to live life to the full.
I wonder what I am like... I wonder what it is that drives me deep down inside. I wonder whether there is ever someone who can bring out the ME in me. It's not that I do not have people I am close to... I have my best friends, I have my family, I have the boy, I have my friends, I have my cousins... it is just that I am too good in hiding ME, choosing instead to be a chameleon, changing to suit the needs of others. Why do I hide ME? I think it's because I REALLY HATE friction, choosing to sacrifice my own self identity for the sake of harmony. However, I have been over-doing it. As a result, after a long time period, I lose my own idea of self.

Wait a minute, why am I waiting for someone to bring out the ME in me? Can't I bring it out by my own? I can't expect to be changed if I don't do something about it. I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF.

I don't want to be merely a shadow. I want to have a form to call my own. I want to know who I am, what I love to do, and reach out to do things that are fulfilling in order to grow and live life to the full. I want to seize the day instead of taking the back seat and watch time pass by, wasted. I need to free my mind from all that is holding me back from being myself. I need to dare to dream. I need to challenge that mould I have created so superbly in people's minds of myself.
I just hope that when I finally know who I am and have the guts to show it, people will accept the ME in me, not just the chameleon.

Happy but Stressed

That's Elaine's nick.

I am kinda feeling that way too.

This holiday break had been a much needed one for me. It has been really busy though - CNY, my birthday and my cousin's wedding all rolled into one week! Good stuff man BUT the deadlines are coming... THEY'RE COMING!!! CAs, UROPS, lab reports... ooooh lala, brain-frying crunch time.

:]

Breathe Mich.

Thank YOU for the wishes!

Thank you for the wishes and the <3
Thank you all for making me feel so special! =)
Thank You for the gift of Life and the gift of Love.

Life in a lull

Recently life has been in a lull.
The calm after a period of stormy weather?
A very queer feeling indeed.

There have been too many "if... then" assumptions in my thoughts and they all lead to expectations and disappointments. For example, "If you had been sincerely eager to go out with Mr X then you would have been more active in planning" or something like that. Perhaps that's why my life has been in a lull... I have been trying not to assume too much when things don't seem to go the way I think they would.

Sometimes I am hurt and bitter when I feel that I am not treated the way that I want to be. However if I keep harping on every single time it happens, I will be swallowed up by my own bitterness. Rather than feeling disappointed, I could try to be more understanding, forgiving and loving. It is not easy because at times the hurt overwhelms me and I fail to see that a small matter is not worth griping over.

I begin to see that I am already so blessed. I am surrounded by so much love in my life. I have a God who loves me infinitely, I have many people who shower me with their love and affection, why do I expect more? Knowing that I am already so blessed, so empowered by the love around me, it is time that I let go and give.

The Holy Spirit

picture taken from: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25065984/?qo=61&q=by%3Ahammermario&qh=sort%3Atime+-in%3Ascraps

It is an amazing experience to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
The intense desire to love, to pray, overwhelms you.
He sets your heart on fire.
Burn my heart with love!

I want to know You more.

Saturday in NUS library

I can't believe I chose to be here in NUS SCIENCE library to do my work on a SATURDAY. Anyhows, I kinda want to channel all my pent-up emotions into something constructive - like homework!

I have worked so hard to keep my mood up... which is dangerously at the risk of crashing down any moment and then I would be nothing more than a useless blob, being sorry for herself, moping in this depressing place.

*.*.*.*

I feel evil, I feel horrid, I feel like a Miss not-so-nice girl. I am sorry Lord. Save me from myself.

Meanwhile, let me run away from my thoughts and focus on something... more... emotionless.

ENOUGH of being silly and stupid.

Lyrics from a Japanese song.

We met in middle schooland shared a hundred year love
Beneath the gently fluttering cherry blossom petals
I wanted to meet you and ran through.
Sun-touched, sudden hills and
The corners of the park, our shadows
Remain even now, unchanged

You and I, and the cherry blossom weather
We dance, blown by the wind
Holding in my heart a future I can still see
We gaze at the peach coloured sky

photo taken from: http://www.macdevcenter.com/pub/a/mac/2005/05/27/japan.html

Resting in my room now. I am so thankful for this time of rest and relaxation.

Bleaching really ups my mood by a few notches.

This week has been crazy for me... however, I am touched that a few people have been asking me about my birthday and want to celebrate it with me. I have been so caught up with my worries and troubles that I haven't had time to appreciate how lucky I am and I thank all of you for making me feel so special. :) I hope to be able to gear myself up, keep stuff that is weighing me down in check and embrace the festivities that are about to arrive, to show my gratitude and enjoy the friendships, the fellowships!

I am a little braveheart.

Absolutely NO Stamina

I really need to have 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Shucks man.
I wanted to burn some midnight oil but I was too tired when I got home from school last night. Oh man but I am pretty awake now.

Meeting the post-grad today. I kinda am not going to worry too much. Scold then scold lor, what the heck. I don't want to shed ANYMORE tears and get paralyzed because of this. Bakabakabakabakabaka.
Easier said than done though. I still feel the fear. A little. ARGH.
However when I woke up today, it's as if God took my mind and cradled it in His arms when I was asleep, making me have a restful sleep. Thank You.

Heart is still feelin' small... But I have woken up to a brand new day with slightly more hope in my heart.

Think I'll stay home for the whole of this week. =P Really could use some lovin'.

Catholic Awareness Week = CAW; CHECK OUT CENTRAL LIBRARY! Oh man... it's beautiful. The displays... even if you're not Catholic... it's worth a look, really.

God bless.

I went to bed last night, paralyzed by the fear and stress of work, amongst other things.
I wake up to a new day, fearful but more rested and somehow I find a little ounce of strength in me to get out of my bed as I mentally line up what I want to accomplish today.

During a recent sharing with my family I said that I was old enough and ready to handle any immense amount of stress - now it's my chance to prove myself. This is why I must not give up now, this is why I must maintain my composure.

DON'T GIVE UP ON ME NOW MICH!

People have faith in me, I must have faith in myself.

best couple of the month

award goes to...
Kor and Cindy! :)
They have shared the love with 2 more souls.

Best mature couple of the month award goes to...
My Parents!
My cheuffer, supper buddies, partner-in-crime data entry clerks, hug-givers, room designers.

The home is where I get to hide away from everything. My recluse, my haven.

Thank You for the final resolution. The effects of adrenaline have subsided - no cold hands, cold feet, palpitations, flushing.. wah.. people who get cold shock... I understand how they feel man. Thank You for allowing me to receive You tonight when I felt so unworthy. Thank You for your healing grace.

My heart feels heavy, like stone

But my thoughts wouldn't leave you alone.

I want...

I want to go home.
I want to hide under the covers of my blanket and cry.
I want to see those at home.
I want to go to the beach.
I want to feel the wind blowing against my face.
I want to scream into the sea without any care.
I want to Balderdash until I pee in my pants.
I want to rip out my brains and heart
and lift up everything to You.
I want to hold my head up high.

I want...

I want to stop being a Moses.