I Survived!!!

I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived I survived !

Damn shacked now... yeah... now I can finally... erm... crash. >.<

Thank You Dear Lord for not giving up on me.

Inner Demons

They keep tormenting me. I really don't want to think this way but WHY? Can I ever overcome this? =(((

Please don't distract me from my last few hours...

Awake

Sleeping is good... slept like at 10 plus last night and automatically woke up now. Damn.. need to go and bathe but I'm afraid that there are creepy crawlies lurking in the dark corners of the bathing cubicle... they like to come out late at night don't they?

Sleeping does me good. Time not to think or feel... just do. Self-esteem already plummeted so just screw that. I hate it when you have this aching feeling inside you... this depressed feeling that makes you wanna puke but you can't really do anything about it because if you try to get rid of it, you'll not be able to study. Argh I REALLY HATE THIS! I hate it when I feel that I cannot make it or that I'm not good enough. Damn, time to become a robot.

For the sake of those who love me so much... and put so much effort into pulling me out of my own pit that I dug, I will not despair and fall now. Your efforts won't go to waste for they are deeply appreciated. I am a fortunate person.

I'm experiencing a spiritual void at the moment. Please help me find You soon.

I know I'm not given things that I cannot handle... but I feel that I'm drowning... the darkness and despair is overshadowing my littler glimmer of hope. I've no more energy to fight it anymore. =( I'm feeling really demoralised now. I know I must hope... and I must trust Him that things will be okay... but my heart doesn't seem to buy it at this moment in time. I feel really terrible... just let me hang on for ONE MORE DAY and I can crash after that.

I Got Fried.

I guess my stress wasn't unwarranted. I got fried and roasted like a piece of yummy barbecued meat. Attending a Maths paper without enough sleep is tantamount to suicide. I know where I stand... I would have done far worse if I had not looked at those past year papers this morning. Within the limited amount of time, I fought the good fight but I guess it just isn't good enough.

Exams Wouldn't Be Normal Without Breakdowns

When I said this was as bad as it can get... boy am I so wrong. =P It got really bad yesterday... During mass I tried really hard to focus but I couldn't feel at peace. Something was so unsettling within me. However, I learnt a message during mass... stay awake and continue to be the glimmer of hope in this dark dark world. It sort of gave me comfort when I try to fight against my own demons by suppressing my feelings and doing the right thing because doing that just zaps out so much energy from me. Then my parents came to pick me up for dinner. We had a great meal and a lovely time although a migraine was creeping in. I'm glad that my parents and Jeki came last night. However after they left, I still couldn't fall asleep despite having developed a headache. As a last resort I made a phone call to SM who was out playing pool at the moment. I thank you for calming me down and helping me rationalise and vomit out why I was so bothered and stressed. Think breaking down over the phone is less paiseh than breaking down face-to-face. Hah. Damn, I thought I would not break down this semester but I AM SO WRONG! I guess for me, exams wouldn't be exams without the stress and breakdowns. I thank God for the message of hope. May I focus on You and nothing else. May I lean on Your strength and not mine while doing the right things against my own human nature.

Agape.

Deja vu

I tell you it's really Deja Vu. It's the feeling of putting SO MUCH EFFORT and not being able to deliver the effort you put in. =( It's really just like A level Bio... I'm just so mad. I just had to have cramps during the exam itself. It's just so Deja Vu. Aiyah... why like that? I'm just... disappointed... =( I know it's no point crying over spilt milk but for once just let my heart take over can? I'm tired suppressing my heart using the logic of my brain. It's very tiring! In the security of my room I can just let go.

Agape.

Spent.

Feeling quite spent after my paper. Had a crazy notion to join some people for mass but erm... I don't think I've the time to go. Paper tomorrow, and Mon and Wed. If I had the ability to stop time... I would stop it and just go take a walk... without carrying my heavy muggins gear. Just walking, with the cool breeze blowing and inhaling the fresh air. Just walking, losing myself in my deepest thoughts... and letting my mind and heart and all the pent up emotions go. =)

Heh, I've recycled two modules worth of notes. Tearing away the staples and dumping the whole lot into the recycling bin at the photocopying area in science library is... quite liberating. Hee.

All the best for everyone who has some more papers to go! *^^*

Agape.

Emotions are scary... they give me panic attacks. Had to leave the library early tonight for I couldn't sit there anymore and I might just go mad. Feeling better now. Thanks to Jac, Jo, Barry, Philo and Dwi for their encouragements throughout the day. =) Dear Lord, please don't let me lose focus on why I'm studying. I don't want to be an ugly person. May my heart always be filled with love although I'm pretty exhausted... grin.. okay time to bathe and wind down.

Oh yes, I've been bespectacled for like the longest time since I started wearing contacts. It's almost close to 2 weeks!!!!! man... I feel quite erm.. ugly but it doesn't bother me as much as last time. I have found friends who love me as I am, and not caring about being cool and stuff. My family and relatives have already loved me regardless of my microscopic eyes. *blink blink*

Agape.

As Bad as it Gets..

I think this is as bad as it can get... which is a good thing... =) No major breakdowns or anything.
Oh man! I am so tired... but it'll be all right. Don't know why I felt kinda stressed today. Jo asked me in the afternoon whether I was stressed because I was quiet when going down for lunch and walking back quite fast after lunch. Jac and Philo asked me whether I was stressed when I was eating dinner. Mich, please control... relax, things will be okay... it'll be okay all right?

To all those who are mugging their brains out - don't give up!

Agape.

Coping with the Inner Fluctuations

I'm trying very very hard not to expect things and just do my best. However, some things keep haunting me, like LSM2104... argh. I know that all I have is not mine. Why do I set such high standards for myself? Sometimes fear grips me, that I will disappoint myself terribly. Maybe I'm just a little stressed. I hope that I'll be able to handle whatever comes. Please let me be able to handle it. Please don't make me go through what I went through during the release of my A level results... please just let me do my best. I wish I didn't have to be bothered by this. Please help me cope whatever comes.

Running Away from the ZZzZZz Monster

As usual, I took a long time to fall asleep last night for as dumb as it may sound, I was anxious for my first paper of the semester that was completed this morning. I have been taking exams for so long and it still gives me the heebeejeebees. Now I'm just too sleepy to study for the day. HELP!!! The ZZzzZzz Monster is coming after me! I'm blasting my ears with noisy music, and even took a 15 min power nap. I even resorted to sacrificing my weight and beauty by eating the Cloud 9 chocolate Jacq gave to me that I have been reserving for emergency cases... AND I STILL WANT TO SLEEP!

Time to take out the inner Sakura-like Mich and fight the ZZZZzzzz Monster with ALL I have! (Damn I really miss Sasuke... Stupid Orochimaru! Okay Naruto get out of my brain)

Agape.

Bleagh!

The feeling of nausea during a brain jam isn't new to me. The feeling is really sickening! yuckyuckyuck.

ren(3) is a virtue... cannot... succumb... to my brain jam... yes, I must believe that I have some mental perseverence! C'mon Mich, please don't give up now...

Today has been really slow... nvm... I must at least touch my target. I won't give up now!

Okay, talking to myself calms me down. I shall try again.

Agape.

Good Morning Sunshine!

I love hearing those words... =) Mom sometimes tell that to me when I'm home - I'm actually somebody's sunshine! How cool is that? *^^*

Had been studying really hard for the past few days - the whole day each day for this week, from morning to night, has been devoted to the books. >.< I thank the people who have motivated me in my studying... the 2 other angels who accompany me EVERY day - you don't know how much support and inspiration I draw from you guys. :) The SMSers, the MSNers, the YIH arts khakis, the sweets and snacks providers, the family... and those who have been praying. Thank you.

I hope to do my best. I'm trying to throw away my expectations, my only target is nothing but my best right now. I hope I am not too far off my target.

The bird flu is scaring me. The question about what God is doing comes into mind again. However I am reminded now that humanity is not easily broken. The hope and love for life that is has will always remain. This spirit reminds me of the POWs in Anne Frank's diary. May I not doubt Him.

Agape.

Brain Drain

Wah.. just came back around 10 min ago from a WHOLE studying day. I'm really tired. Should I eat a chocolate and grow fat? zzzZZzz.

Met Alexis at YIH this evening. *grin* she's a "piece of meat" - she needs time to thaw. *^^*

Today has been okay so far... usual happy chattering with Jo and Jac. =)

Agape.

Relack...

Argh... I can't stand it when I get so jittery about wanting to view the marks of my test. >.< I keep telling myself, there's no point in finding out how you did - it's over... yet this innate itch in me keeps wanting to find out. ARGH! relack lah... I hope that if I did do badly, I wouldn't be so affected. Okay, the itch is subsiding. Time to concentrate on what's important.

Agape.

Another Mugging day.

Hee, another mugging day has passed. I thank Him for giving me the strength to love more fully. May I love even more. And yet, it is not my love but Yours. My love is selfish and flawed but Yours is selfless and divine.
_____________________________________

JIA YOU to all who are mugging and feeling tired... it's only about two weeks!!! You all can do it!!!

Agape.

Better!

I slept for a FULL 9 hours last night! Hahah. I'm in a much better mood today. Don't know why my lan connection went konky last night and this morning in my dorm. It's good anyway, I won't stone in front of msn... and delay in bathing.

I love studying days like this, where I can actually relax and study at my own pace with people I love. =) Tonight's connection in my dorm is weird too... I can access the net but I can't access msn or hotmail, which means I am unable to reply emails I want to reply. =/ Oh wells, I guess I can only do it tomorrow. Today is Philo's birthday. Happy birthday to Philo!!

Today's post is quite a mundane post but I feel so much better now and I thank Him for that.

Agape.

Depressed over studies? Now that's dumb...

I think being depressed over studies is so stupid... harming your mental, emotional and physical health over something that doesn't eat, breathe or feel? ARGH. And yet I am victim, to myself. Last night I went super cranky due to some academic trigger. I think I made my parents sad by pulling a long face with puffy eyes and such but I hope they understand - striving for excellence comes with a price. Nevermind, just 2 more weeks to rest. Think sundays are days where I come to engine to study. Ohohoh, the sun hasn't set yet but it's going lower and lower, and as I stare through the big trees, the wind shaking the leaves mekes the tree twinkle of golden light. It's beautiful. God's creation is wonderful. =)

Thanks to all who tried to subdue my panic attack and crankiness last night. You know who you are.

Was still feeling super bummed this morning but then I met my cousins / Godsister and Godbrother, Audrey and Alex, at mass and later for lunch. Relating to them what happened somehow was therapeutic... they brought a smile to my face. *^^*

Time to go back to work?

Agape.

Birthdays

Spent thursday and saturday eating so much... >.< Those two days were days well-spent with special people... *^^* I'm happy. Okay I'd better go into full steam for the project and finally start mugging proper... All the best everyone!

Agape.

Hell Week Aftermath

What am I doing up at such an unearthly hour? Nono, I'm not mugging... I am waiting for my hair to dry. Hell week culminated in me having a migraine that I took two panadols and slept at 10pm. Thanks to Jac for accompanying me up to my room (even though you came partly to get something from Pat :P) coz all I could do was to plonk on my bed and zzz. So I woke up at late 3 to go and bathe and now I'm having a hot cup of milo... aaaah... the simple pleasures of life. *^^*

I think me having headaches and migraines is an indicator of my stress level. Hah. Whenever I have a late night the next day or the day after that, a headache will come... perhaps it's my body telling me to rest. Think it's a good self-limiting mechanism, except that... migraines are just painful!! =( They just make you nauseous and incapable of doing anything else but crawl to bed. Hmm... guess last night's migraine did what it was supposed to do... put me to bed and curb my mugging for the night.

Oh well, there are still residues of hell week left... I've got to finish a hard-to-do LSM2104 project by this saturday. Hopefully can get it done by friday. Then it's preparation for exams.

Yes, today is SM's Birthday. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! *^^*

Agape.

A long night ahead...

I feel a long long night coming... *sigh* Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake and finish studying. FOCUS mich. You can do this. I know you can. Just a few hours more...

Agape.

Cranky

Went a lil' cranky yesterday. >.< Guess it's good training not to be such a weakling. Mich, focus on your work. Don't lose sight of your goals. I WILL NOT LOSE SIGHT OF MY GOALS THIS SEMESTER! May I be a stable being - at least I can be an anchor to others this way. Yes, I love to challenge myself. Time to be the hunter, keeping the dreamer side of me safely tucked away, at least for November. All the best everyone!

Agape.

Run Away No More

Here I am at a particular place now. A small part of me wants to run away and re-locate to a place where I know I'll be safe. However I know that I shouldn't run away anymore. I must curb myself from being affected - I can be strong now... those around me who care so much can finally start to feel at ease for I will stand on my own two feet. I will be all right. I hope you'll be all right.

One down, two more to go.

Agape.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

LSM2104 deadline HAS BEEN EXTENDED!!! YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! I'll go mad with joy. *^^* HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY!!!!!! Yay, now can look at LSM2103 till wednesday. =))))

I had an unexpected phone porridge session with SM last night. Haven't had it for a long while already but it's great catching up and listening to his stuff and vomitting my shit out as well too. Think I should invest in a good pair of nokia earphones... the radiation I get from the phone is so hot on my ears. >.< I'm actually not a phone person but with close friends, talking over the phone is certainly a mood uplifter. =) It's a beautiful morning... so nice to sleep but I'm up and ready to jump out of bed and make this a fruitful day! Givr thanks to God for this wonderful morning. All righty, cheers to another day of wonderful mugging with wonderful friends cum moral supporters cum cheerleaders!

Agape.

Gone Crazy.

Man, Jac and I went beserk today. We were guests at the Abeng sanctuary at Engine fac today doing our project work. We were trying so so so hard to figure out the coding for the mysql database for our LSM2104 project. We knew nuts about it but we tried to compare here and there etc... and when we finally got it, I was screaming away and laughing uncontrollably like some person who struck lottery. It's really very brain-draining... laughing keeps a person's sanity alive. Felt so inconsiderate coz I couldn't control myself being so noisy but the fellow engineers didn't seem annoyed. Hopefully not.. but if they were... sorry ah... =X

The sunset at that place is niiiiccceee.. when I was going for a toilet break I saw the sky and it was red over the horizon... beauty beauty.

Agape.

Blood Relations

Scan and X-ray's all-clear. Let's hope that the doc will visit her soon. =) I just hope that it doesn't take a calamity to show how much we mean to each other. If this passes by as a small and manageable ordeal, I thank Him that I'm reminded of how important my family is to me - not just the nuclear unit, but my grandma, aunts, uncles and my cousins... whom I've not been speaking to much lately. I'm glad I got to talk to Fer today. I was kinda tired after 7 hours of intensive project discussion and work so I couldn't hold a proper conversation. However just seeing her around warms my heart for it reminds me of the special bond I have with her over the years, unspoken. I need to make the effort... I must try to come out of my shy and introverted shell and reach out to keep those bonds alive and close to my heart. Hopefully after the exams we'll be able to chill out together since all of us are pretty big already.

Time to pray and give thanks.

Oh yes, Jay Chou's new album is niiiiiicccccccceee. Oh man I can't believe I'm admitting this... I can actually like mandarin songs??? Thanks Jo!!!!! =PpPPpp

Agape.

Feelin' HOT and Bothered

I'm so so so so HOT tonight. I mean although the weather's okay but I feel like I'm heating up.

I feel like I'm not caring enough for my blood brothers and sisters. Some of them are going through really tough times... and I'm NOT showing care and concern. I'm just so preoccupied with my work right now. Argh... I don't know how to... =( Time to change mich... time to change.

Better get back to work for now.

Agape.

Ninja Turtles and reflections

I have been a blue ninja turtle for the past two days... carrying that laptop bag full of my stuff. >.< Oh yes, Jac's Raphael (the red one) and Joanne's April O'Neil.

Perhaps some good news is to come from bro. Hope things will be okay.

I shall officially commence hell week today for it'll last till next wednesday, with a presentation, a project and a second mid term test. Weee!

Tonight I feel like reflecting, reminiscising. How have I been faring? Hopefully I have at least passed this time. Perhaps, as a friend of mine has mentioned, I have too many issues in my brain to handle. However, I feel that I can fight against my own weakness now. Sometimes I fail, but sometimes I actually succeed in controlling myself. *grin* some kind of self-restraint. >.< I think I'm learning to let go of my hate and frustration which had morphed from guilt and self-damnation. I will work towards not harbouring any ill feelings and I hope you will be blessed. I guess that incident two weeks ago was a stark reminder that I am still harbouring resentment although I didn't realise it. May my actions be guided and may I not be filled with anger. I think my state of emotional and mental health has improved for the past few months. =) Although I can still get quite unstable at times, it is not as bad anymore. The vicious cycles of depression are getting smaller and decreasing in frequency. It's all good and I hope I will continue to fare okay... in terms of doing the right thing and in terms of being able to smile and be joyful.

I was a terribly broken person just a few months ago. I think I'm seeing the results of improvement and this broken ragdoll is patching herself up. There are still lots of holes everywhere but patience Mich - it's not an easy feat for this undomesticated girl to learn how to sew. Of course, this would not have been possible with the help of so many people. *^^* Friends, family, relatives and Him... they've all been there for me, whether I am in the wrong or not. Thank You.

Agape.