Unsettled

I don't know what to do.
I feel so unsettled.

I just feel like running away from the whole community and go into hiding. I'm just weary. When will my hands be unbound? Have I tried my best? Must I try harder? I just can't push myself anymore. I am unable to already. Is it not good enough? I don't know. I really don't know. Should I relieve myself of the spiritual duty and try to seek healing for my broken self? I don't know... Lord, help me.

I am Sorry

I did it.
I did what I promised Him I would do when I received Him during Friday mass, although I feel pretty heavy-hearted right now. I'm sad when my friends see me like this - moody, depressed, anxious etc. I guess it hurts them a lot to see me sad. I am sorry for causing you all hurt. I am sorry for not being able to not be depressed at times. I'm very sorry. Please bear with me.

Agape.

Sick but Happy

Sick:
Getting the flu... it's not full blown though.. heeehee, maybe I have some super immune system or something. The cough and sore throat are here... feeling a little dense and oozy too. But no runny nose. Feverish but don't think have fever.

Happy:
Today's my free day (aside from the 8am lecture I had this morning)! *^^* YESH, today is the first time in my 3 weeks in this new semester that I actually went out to R&R. Went out w SM today to eat at Ajisen Ramen and then to Bras Basah to pick up something and then to Classic to shoot POOL. Heh.. I sucked... and SM's new cue looks really neat! It's been a while since I last played pool... *grin* Food was great, pool was fun and the company was great too! Overall, the whole day was good... Jojo helped me find my thumbdrive in the morn (thank you sosososososo much!!!), Pius and I finalised CG details, had a great time out with SM, and now I'm HOME with my family! Yay! =)

So although I'm under the weather, I'm happy.

Thank you God.

Agape.

Getting Sick?

I think I'm getting sick. Couldn't get out of bed in time for the 8 am lecture for my head was pounding and my throat was sore. took a panadol to sleep and woke up at 9+ for the LSM2104 lab. Probably it's the lack of sleep and the kancheongness or stress that I've been under lately, plus when I went home over the weekend, my bro and dad were down with the flu. Heh...

Drawing strength from Him never fails, although sometimes I feel that the going gets really tough, that I have to battle my own inner uncertainties and sadness. I found out how weak I can get; how easily I can succumb to my weakness. It's human to be weak, but it's not human to continue being weak over and over again on the same thing.

I hope that I'll have the strength to carry through this week for this week's really busy... thinking about it makes me tired. -_-|||

Agape.

A lazy Sunday Afternoon.

A lazy Sunday afternoon... Feeling quite sleepy and a little bored. The Sunday blues is kicking in yet again. =(

.
.
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Eating chocolates is therapeutic! Yay, getting my mood back to do up my Management Science (DSC2003) tutorial as I munch on the lovely, yummy peanut M&Ms.
I prayed for the energy and drive to perform my tasks for this upcoming week without letting my mood swings affect me during mass today, on top of other things. This week is going to be preeetty busy with tutorials and other misc. activities.

Time to get back to my tutorial... Oh no! Last piece of peanut M&Ms. *sobsob*

Agape.

Thoughts at Night

Today I feel strangely better. Not yayyay happy but more stable.
I should start to grow up and purify my thoughts.

Retarded thoughts of loneliness do creep up every now and then which make me feel sad. It's like missing someone or something... I don't know lah. My emotions go yoyoying like crazy. However, this cold turkey thing is good for me, for I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I've an 8am lecture tomorrow... I don't think I'll be able to make it. I'll try.
Stability comes from using more of your mind rather than my heart to do things. I have to get certain things done so I just have to focus on getting them done. No qualms about it. Feel rather introspective and inward-looking. It's as if I want to spend time alone with myself. Hehe. Don't know how true that is.

Things WILL look up!

Agape.

MM Welcome Tea

MM Welcome Tea was great. Heh... I was actually dreading it before I left the dorm to go to Holy Cross this evening. I wasn't in the mood for those ice breakers - I felt that I wanted to be alone and not attempt to make friends that kinda thing. I'm glad that I went. I found someone who wants to take grade 6 music theory! w00t. Hanging around with people from Arts makes me feel a zest for life. They're so carefree and so full of joy, like they know make the situation as happy as possible. Life can actually be happy and smiley. I shouldn't take things too seriously and be more carefree!

Had lunch with Jo, WZ and Elaine. It's great seeing my old friends again although too long of not seeing each other makes conversation very awkward, at least for me. *sigh* Must make the effort.

Agape.

To feel Human

Sorted out things with my mom. Seems like I was so mad about nothing. How assumptions make me a complete ass.

I'm currently in a 'ranigate' mood, like the 'safe' mode of a computer. Feeling rather angsty and in a can't-be-nothered-with-the-world kinda mood, which is a good thing for it's quite numbing.

It's actually quite a revelation to err for it makes me feel human.

The Impossible

Jesus teaches us to not despair, to continue to put our trust in Him, even when things seem impossible. Where do I go when I'm weary? I should go to Him in prayer. But it's so difficult at times when I seem to be met with silence. It's so difficult to live with impossible obstacles to overcome. I wish I could just be numb so that whenever I bang against the obstacles, it wouldn't hurt anymore. I have forgiven but I still get mad when the wrong buttons are pushed which makes me REALLY frustrated with myself. I don't want to feel hatred in me anymore.

Agape.

Guardian Angel

I prayed... and He sent a mediator of peace. Although I have to backtrack and reopen my wounds, I pray that I'll have the strength to carry it through.

Thank you so much! You know who you are.

Agape.

I am a BRAVE Girl!

I am brave. For all my weakness I feel that I have achieved something at least. I am brave to not run away. I am brave to face things which may not seem too pleasing on my side! I have made an achievement! I have stared fear in the eye. I will not allow myself to sink in my own self pity ANYMORE. Why should I? His forgiving and saving grace make me want to smile and give thanks.

Agape.

Anxiety Attack

Adrenaline overload... I feel like puking.
I'm so glad that it's over.
I got through it.
What matters is that I got through it.

I'm getting anxiety attacks.

Lydia - F.I.R.

(因著所有的挫折,終於我明白,
那最美麗的花朵,是為自己而盛開的…)

Lydia 迷離的眼眶
為何流浪 心碎的海洋
受了傷 連微笑都徬徨
Gypsy女郎 為誰而唱

妳會看見霧 看見雲 看見太陽
龜裂的大地重複著悲傷

他走了帶不走妳的天堂
風乾後會留下彩虹淚光
他走了妳可以把夢留下
總會有個地方等待愛飛翔

Lydia 幸福不在遠方
開一扇窗 許下願望

妳會感受愛 感受恨 感受原諒
生命總不會只充滿悲傷

他走了帶不走妳的天堂
風乾後會留下彩虹淚光
他走了妳可以把夢留下
總會有個地方等待愛飛翔

Translation:
(As a result of all the setbacks, I finally understand
That the most beautiful flower, blooms only for itself)

Lydia, oh your listless and lost gaze
Why do you drift aimlessly in the sea of heartache
After being hurt, even your mild smile is extinguished
Gypsy girl, for whom do you sing?

You will see fog, see rain, see the sun
The cracked earth yields heartache again

He may have left, but he cannot take away the Heaven that is yours
After the wind dries, a rainbow will form from your tears
He left, so you can leave your dreams behind
There must be a place to wait for love to take flight

Lydia, happiness isn't far away
Open your windows, and make a wish

You will feel love, hate and forgiveness
Life will not always be filled with heartache

He may have left, but he cannot take away the Heaven that is yours
After the wind dries, a rainbow will form from your tears
He left, so you can leave your dreams behind
There must be a place to wait for love to take flight

Credit: http://forums.govteen.com/archive/index.php/t-85997.html

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Health

I've never thought about my health... I've always been marked as healthy, in my sick family. I've been touched by the angel of death in the womb but miraculously escaped genetically unscathed. The day when I had been marked as healthy was the day I went for some test in primary school and the doctor didn't find anything wrong with me. I still show the outward physical symptoms though, even till today. I plan to go for a similar test soon to see whether I'm free from that sickness or not. I'm afraid of what I may be diagnosed with for the test was conducted very long ago. Hopefully I'm really cleared from it and don't have to burden my family with an additional member of the sickness.

Because of this worrying trend of health in my family, I have indirectly hurt someone close to me through another person. I do not blame the person who hurt you for she went through hell and back. However, I wish you did not have to endure such hurt and predjudice. I hope one day things will reconcile, for yourselves, that you may be happier people; for me as well, so that I do not have to be in the crossfire all the time.

Agape.

Operation Clean Room!

Today (saturday), my dad, myself and Jeki went to clean up my room at ridgeview. It was SUPER dusty! Heh, I can't help feeling so loved that they put in so much effort helping me springclean my room just for me! =) As I was cleaning the venetian blinds one strip at a time, I wonder to myself... if this wasn't my room, would I have been as meticulous as I am now? Then I think of my dad and Jeki who are cleaning this room so meticulously not for themselves, but for another... me! =) I hope I can learn from them. Little acts of love like these make michy stronger and more at peace.

Agape.

MM Comm or CGL?

Decisions... what should I do? This has been weighing on my mind since a few weeks ago. This semester is my studying semester... I don't think I'll be able to handle both so one of them has to go (i.e. they are mutually exclusive). May I be able to discern soon. Meanwhile, I am thankful that I can help out as a temp CGL. Perhaps there and then I would know what to do.

Agape.

Forgiveness and Moving On

I guess there's no point dwelling in the past. I just have to learn from my mistakes and move on. Acknowledging one's mistakes is crucial for forgiveness to take place. However, sometimes, doing that doesn't help to remove the pain the other person suffered. If one is not forgiven, should one self destruct in his or her own guilt? I don't think it's right. I think that person should just move on. Why continue to be stuck in the mud when nothing else can be done about it? Why feel so guilty of not being forgiven and let your guilt affect everyone around you who truly cares about you?

I believe I have done what I can and I can only hope and pray that the person can let go of the hurt that has been inflicted one day in his/her time. From now till then, I will move on and be happy for my sake, and for those around me.

I understand now why forgiveness is a display of a deep love for the other. Blessed are those who are able to experience forgiveness!

Agape.

A Little Smile

Felt rather lethargic today.. but am much better than last week! =) My mood's been improving. *^^* Yay. Thank you to the angels around me. Hopefully I can be responsible again. Like for sci comm.. I haven't been updating the minutes... I'd better do something about that. And practising the piano and cleaning up my room to get ready for the upcoming semester, and deciding whether or not to take music theory again, and cleaning up my room, and learning how to cook... and going for ONE weekday mass during this hols.. and praying... the list is endless! But I'll get down to doing it soon. Hopefully tomorrow I'll do something about my room and sci comm minutes.

Agape.