Dear Lord, what have I done?
Have I become the anti-Christ to others?

Numb

This is so surreal.
I am numbed.
I hurt but I know you hurt much more.

I Live by Faith and Not by Sight

A friend recently explained to me the phrase "I live by faith and not by sight". I find that terribly difficult to do. =( Like yesterday, I took the MRT back home from buona vista all the way to simei (ha, bro was SOSOSO nice to come and pick me up!). Anyway, on my way to the MRT station, I saw this man with a long beard and a backpack and immediately morbid thoughts ran through my brain about the terrorist attacks in London. As I walked on the platform to one end, I passed him and something in me challenged me to stand next to him throughout the journey home... However, I didn't because I argued in my mind that on a normal situation I would always walk to one end of the platform and not board in the middle, where he was standing. On the MRT ride home, I felt really horrible for having that thought in my mind. Where is the love and trust in society and in God? Every time when thoughts like these enter my mind, I tell Him that I'm not ready to go yet! When will I ever be ready to go and just trust that everything will be all right? I don't know.

Last night my mom was talking about passing her pair of diamond earrings down to me when I turned 21 next year and then the conversation shifted to what to do on my birthday... if it's going to be a celebration she asked me to invite my friends... I was like, don't want lah. I feel sad for having to say that I didn't want to. ='( I would like to, but things would be awkward with a particular someone whom I consider as my close friend, and HOW can I NOT invite that person and invite others? And even if I invited that person, would that person want to go? So if I celebrated my birthday in that way, I would be reminded that this sad fact exists - then I'd rather not celebrate my birthday at all in that way. I really wish that this animosity between these two parties didn't exist at all. Even after so long, it really hurts, which makes me wonder, will things ever be okay? Maybe I should communicate with my mom/parents about this. Maybe I'm assuming things again and feeling sad unneccessarily. But the thing is I find it SO hard to communicate to them pertaining to this for it is SUPER emotionally draining. I dread it so much.

I live by faith and not by sight - it's so difficult when things seem unsolvable, and I wonder whether things will be solved at all. I won't stop hoping I hope. I will pray and hope that reconcilliation will take place one day, so that a fuller healing can take place.

Agape.

Wednesday!

Yay, I love wednesdays... it's the free-est day of the weekday week. *grin* Didn't go for cg in the end. =X

I'm going home for dinner today and sleep in my nice bed and see my family and Jeki! w00t. *^^* Meanwhile, it's serious studying time with Jac later on. But I'm so sleepy! Wanted to do some admin work before she comes but I'm still stoning around here. *sigh* Aloy told me yesterday that I looked perpetually tired nowadays... Tonight I'm looking forward to a good good sleep.

Agape.

Spent

Feeling rather tired after rushing for an assignment I only knew about last night. Didn't get much sleep but strangely my mood is pretty calm. Not depressed or anything like that. After a low comes a soft, gentle breeze. It is said that He is in the breeze.

Feeling more stable now. Hopefully it'll stay that way. Hopefully I will not doubt myself. I know myself best so I should not rely so much on what others think. I just hope that my mind is clear and always seeking Him.

However, lately I feel that I'm not really great in my academia. Don't think I've been focused enough for there were many things to do, and of course my retarded unstable self doesn't help in aiding focus. Feeling a little lousy about it but that means I just have to spend more quality time with my work. *grin* Mugger Mich is back... oh wait, haven't I always been one? Hmm.. Motivated Mugger Mich is back. I'll have to focus and give of my best, in whatever I do.

Feel like I need a recharge. CG's coming later. Then I'll go explore my books.

Agape.

Thank You.

Thank you two for listening to me share my angst so willingly. Feeling so much better now. *^^* Little angels are always around. I shall go and take out my eyes and go to bed.

Agape.

History and Its Repetitions

It's so darn sick to crash.
I'm angry that I'm so confused. What am I doing? Why am I so weak? Why can't I make a choice? Why don't I have enough strength to do something about this? Why WHy WHY? I'm so frustrated. I'm sick and tired of history repeating itself. No WAY.

Feeling defeated.

:)

I feel like smiling
Although my eyes are closing
A cool wind is blowing
Rustling the palm trees in the night

My heart swells and overflows
With gladness and songs of highs and lows
Contentment and peace overpower my woes
As I lift up my thanks with gratitude

DEAD TIRED!!!!!

I'm so TIRED but it has been a good day, with many things accomplished. Firstly, this hectic week which my hols weren't hols has finally ended! yay. two mid terms down. Didn't think I did very well for today's paper... sigh. Oh wells, have to work harder for the finals, that's all! =)

Okay, with my tired appearance, I can't really encourage people convincingly but I've read and heard people getting REALLY STRESSED up over their work for they are piling up real fast and time flies and everyone is just overloaded with WORK. I've this to say... GANBATTE! JIA YOU! DON'T GIVE UP! You all can DO IT! Don't give up hope yah? People do care if you're feeling down and out and as if no one cares about you... but people do! There will be an end to this madness...

After a long hiatus, I went to play pool with SM and ate ramly burger! (to jac: yar lah, surely not as good as JB BUTBUTBUT at least it's better than nothing k!) and muah chee! w00t! Ha, I'm just high on pasar malam food. >.< Good company to end off a crazy, hectic week. -_-"

Need to erm.. bathe? and sleep on my wonderful HOME bed with AIRCON (argh I sound like some spoilt but deprived kid. heh.)

Agape.

0534 h

Argh... I was too zombiefied last night to study a math-like subject whose midterms is today which needs a significant amount of analysis from my brain... I stared at the questions, the questions stared back at me, blankly. Felt quite stressed last night that I kept distracting people and stoning so I had to cut short my study time and left YIH at 10 pm and 'pang seh' my friend. Thank you for the company and concern, it feels so much better to have a friend around when you are like so tired, stressed and down although I feel bad for erm, disrupting your studies when you had so much to do!! >.<

Speaking of study buddies, I was blessed yesterday. In the afternoon I had another study buddy... Joanne. I was in the science library with her and I for the time there, I felt happy to be able to study there with a friend... like I'm not alone and it gives me strength to go on. I felt a sense of contentment then and I stopped to give thanks, quietly in my heart.

Mornings are nice times to reflect on the past events and things that are bothering you, in a positive light. Perhaps I'm growing and maturing more each time. Thinking about things like this gives me a big headache although these thoughts will never really go away due to my human nature. I need to keep looking to Him, because I don't know what to do. I feel inadequate in making these sort of decisions for I think I'm selfishly immature. May I learn to love more deeply, without the element of selfishness inside. I have experienced that selfishness hurts a lot of people, knowingly and unknowingly. I will not be a cause of hurt to others anymore just because I succumb to my weakness of yearning for comfort. It hurts a lot to know that you hurt those you care about and the guilt is just crushing. I thank God for my self-declared holiday and I'll stick to it to grow and heal more. Hopefully I won't be such a retarded, jaded and broken person in time. On a lighter note, I think I'm getting much better from the last few months. C'mon Mich, give yourself some credit... you are not so depressed anymore! I see improvement. This gives me hope.
To quote: No Hope, No Peace - Know Hope, Know Peace.

Agape.

The mugging days are back!

I hate doing last minute studying... it's really so terrible. I finally finished my syllabus but the info doesn't stay for there's so much to memorise (think cell biology)! I cannot give up now. Nonono. I'll try my best! May I receive strength. The sacrifices are definitely worth the sleep. Heh. =)

Agape.

Everything's Always Better After A Good Night's Rest!

Damn I overslept. However I love mornings! They are filled with happiness, anticipation and hope. I must remind myself not to go online too late at night, for I'll sink into a retarded, sullen mood again. Eeeks. Lots left to study.... groan... hope I can finish in time.

Agape.

Sullen

Feeling a little sullen tonight. Perhaps it's the quietude of it all when hidden emotions are released. The night in all its serenity, provides me with a place to let the sadness emerge. I yearn, I pine, I wish, I hope, I doubt, I tire. It is the night when I'm by myself where I can let my weakness show without having to account to anyone for there's no one around. I'm weak, I know I am. It's hard not to be weak. May my heart and intentions always be kept pure. I pray for guidance.

Angels and Devils - Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

well I can see the pain in you
yet I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

if I were to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
it could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
________________________________________________________

I love this song. =)

Agape.

Fruitful Conversation

I had a fruitful conversation which ended not long ago. It is indeed more than worth the time spent. I'm happy because it salvages a friendship and also it is a display of maturity, understanding and true concern for each other. I am glad. I thank Him that history has not repeated itself and that I can continue to heal more fully! Thank you very much. You know who you are. =)

Agape.

Superb Time Management!

Boy am I sleepy. The afternoon is the worst possible time to study, especially 1-2 hours after lunch. ZzzZZzzz
Today is a day where I can happily stay at home and do what I'm supposed to do... with people like Jeki at home. =) Damn I miss my home. Congrats to a friend of mine who got chosen to do some hosting in her cca!!! w00tw00t. (tsk,if you become rich and famous, don't forget me!) *^^*

So little time so much to do! Strangely I'm not like panicking or anything... wait, I did panic on sunday night / monday morning. Oh well, think I just need to do superb time management and really focus!

To those who are slogging for their mid terms... be comforted! Everyone else is suffering too. To those who have other important commitments in addition to studying for their mid terms, FEAR not! YOU are not alone... Cheers to superb time management!

Can't Sleep!

Darn... hate nights like this where my mind starts worrying about things I haven't done. I'm forgoing precious sleep time to come online but I can't sleep! Argh. Keep forgetting simple things that I should do and stuff like that. Worried about having poor time management and stuff like that. Sudden little panic attacks like these cause me to become morbid. Hah. Need to do retarded things like blogging to slow down my brain.

Agape.

weee!

MID TERM BREAK IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!

I was feeling really tired and drained during mass but remembering certain things that I read through the Word, I felt much better. He will manifest His strength in my weakness I am sure. =)

Today was EXCO commissioning... the LAST of all the commissionings this year. It was nice and meaningful... too bad I couldn't see the clip that they did for I had to leave to go.. MAKAN at MAMA's house! Man.. haven't seen my cousins in a LONG time. Seeing them... made me think how different we have become. We're sososo different that if we were strangers I think we might not have really mixed. However, we're bounded by family relations so that makes the union special, no matter what.

Agape.

On a Staight Path

Let me not look left and right.
Let me focus on my destination
My mind on clarity
My heart on purity

Let me not be tempted
The apple, sweet and juicy
Must not be eaten.

I will find Strength in weakness
Joy through hardship
Peace by walking through the fire.

The Straight Path I must tread
For it will lead me to my destiny.

Science Commissioning

No matter what has happened, I guess science will always hold a special place in my heart. There are times where I just wanted to run away from the community - just fly away as far as I could. However, I just can't bring myself to do that. Today was science commissioning. Quite a few people came... from the members to even those who have graduated... I saw 2 people from engine and 1 person from law as well. I'm so proud of the new comm! They touch me so. Thank you for your sweetness and sincerity! Love you guys... I'm so excited for you all.

Agape.

Psalm 51:7

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Music Ministry Commissioning

This evening was MM commissioning mass. Just got back from that. Before that my mind was quite in whirl. I was pretty distracted. However after praying I could focus better. The mass was simple, yet moving for me. Whenever the music was played and we sang in worship, I felt elated at that point in time. It was just a simple mass, no singing in parts but the music touched my soul. Cheers to Andrew, Ira and Sean for playing the piano and singing respectively and to Simon for clicking the slides. The whole experience of being commissioned was wonderful.

After that was some reception thingii which the new comm prepared but I didn't play a part in it for they met up yesterday when I was recuperating from a long week. It was a small gathering, with food and drinks lovingly prepared by the comm. Gifts were exchanged between the new and outgoing comms and all of us mingled around. I actually felt a little awkward at first for I had to make an effort to warm up to people and stuff like that but I guess it was okay in the end. It was a good evening.

Thank you to all who came down to witness the event and showed their support. It did make an impact on me. *^^*

I'm really bushed out now... really tired... hopefully I won't waste time and get to bed soon.

Agape.

Sunday is a Day of Rest!

The past week has been draining but fufilling, with a few hiccups on little mind pricks (self-inflicted?) but that is under control. =) I have been, overall, quite a happy person. *^^* I'm so glad today's sunday, where I can have a well-deserved rest! Time check is 1319h - everyone is at home. I had a great great sleep... an uninterrupted sleep for 10+ hours straight! Today shall be a day of rest, to recharge for another busy week ahead. >.<

I'm so glad that I'm improving! Perhaps that vicious cycle is breaking? Feeling less depressed nowadays. Being single now, although not easy, is good. If certain things did not happen, I would have been attached now and I wonder how things would have been then. Yeah I do wonder... It'll not be fair to say that I would have faired worse if I had gotten attached. However I guess there is no point on dwelling in what-ifs anymore. I guess it is His will that I have to take this path that I am on right now. And it is beyond my own understanding to comprehend the turn of events.

Getting burnt by relationships really suck. But if you don't get burnt, then you'll never experience what's it like to be in one. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had so far although it has left me a very broken person. Time heals brokenness I think. If so, I must be patient and let myself heal and not succumb to my weaknesses of my current emotional state. Now I understand why when people break up, they can get attached so easily... it's not that they are ready for another one, I think it's because they crave to fill the void in their lives. I realise that now. It will take a while to heal from a relationship that lasted close to four years. Singlehood is like a molecular chaperone and I am a newly made protein which stays in the chaperone for some time to fold properly into a functional protein. Hehheh. I thereby stick to my focus this semester which will be on studies.

Agape.

Honesty is questionable.

Honesty is hard to achieve sometimes.
I pray for a clear mind that will focus me on the path of light, not succumbing into temptation. The same scenario is being repeated but now I think I am thinking more with my head and hence am able to be more responsible. At least I am conscious enough to know what I have to do. May I not get myself into any mess at the moment for I want to heal.

Agape.

It is Accomplished.

After a long day of preparations, prayer and discernment, the task has finally been accomplished - the new science committee is up! I'm really excited for them as a new outlook and hence a slight revamp has been done. =) I have great faith in all of them. I am really glad... and bushed! Going to sleep soon. On a lighter note, I can retire soon! Heehee. Was on a delirious, running-on-reserves kind of happy high during dinner. Now for some rest.

I hope to purify my thoughts. I think I'm undergoing the process of purification. May my thoughts be pure and good.

Agape.

Long Weekend

It's going to be a long weekend.

Agape.

Tired but Happy

I had a good meeting up with Elaine (finally!!) over lunch today. =) It was great seeing her and sharing with her bits of my "exciting" life. *grin* Quite tired now for I'm just not a morning person. =( Two 8 am lectures in a row needs getting used to. However, I'm quite happy coz today has been a good day. No more energy to do my work so I'll sleep and wake up tmr to do them! Suddenly I have fewer things to worry about this week. Gosh. People have been helping me take away some of the work. Thank you! You know who you are. :) Think I'm just worrying too much over work and stuff. The pace is still okay! Sheesh Mich, you're getting stressed over nothing. However, my brain is not functioning now so I'll just give up and prepare for bed. Hopefully I'll sleep by 11.30pm tonight.

Think I've become more stable about things, like I can make decisions and can understand how I feel a little more. It's a revelation! Hee... Okay, shall stop now.

Agape.

Fat but Fab-like

I feel fat because I just ate yummilicious char kway teow that was bought by Barry and Philo on their way back from the sign language school. Feeling fatttty but blessed. =) Been a little stressed lately but I think I'm coping! Feeling happy today, it's just a happy day for me. I'm a little happy girl tonight. haha.

A bit tired though... will be busy again this weekend... hopefully I won't lose too much energy and go flat over the weekend. ^>.<^ Hopefully science discernment will go well.

Agape.

Too many distractions...

Too many distractions.... darn I'd better focus! Managed to finish MySQL. =) I need to clear my mind and focus on what I need to do.

Agape.

TAking a Short short break!

Taking a short breather...
Still struggling with the crappy SQL stuff... >.<
Today, I felt a tad lousy coz my head was recovering from that horrid migraine I had last night. It was simply frustrating to sit in the MA1102R lecture and not understand what the lecturer is droning about when a stone helmet is wedged firmly on your head. -_-|| Jo didn't have that great a day either... hope you feel better soon!

After lecture I was kinda drained of my energy when I thought of the retarded lab assignment which I had not done but wanted to complete and submit before 12am tonight... however, going for MM made me destress I think. I feel kinda recharged somehow before I embarked on my lab assignment tonight. Music always makes me happy. =) Yeah, and tonight here at YIH, two friends are mugging along with me... which makes doing work more pleasant, rather than being cooped up in my depressive (at times) dorm. Heh. No air con there either. Oh how spoilt I am!

Made a decision today. My heart is more at peace although it looks like I'm shirking my responsibilities. I do hope the rest will understand.

The stone helmet has become a wooden one. Hopefully I'll wear a pretty hat tomorrow! *grin* Congratulations to the new CSS exco!

Okay.. back to my lab report!

Agape.

Headachy

Can't seem to focus when I need to. Damn. Patience is a virtue... It's difficult to be patient with myself. =( Of all days I have to have a headache now. *sigh* What a day wasted. Don't have the energy to do the things I'm supposed to do. Argh... I need to perform even when I'm moody...

Relationships

I just heard someone share about going through a rough patch in a relationship and how far that person has come through to now. So many people suffer from broken and failed relationships. The person has almost returned to normalcy, which gives me hope that I too can return to normalcy. I know I've mentioned this before that I'm not the only special one out there. But sometimes I can't see how I can progress from the vicious cycle of trying to be strong and failing. Hope is essential to healing I guess. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I guess it'll take some time to switch back to one of independence for sometimes I feel lost and get depressed because I feel that I'm lacking something, or someone rather. I'm glad I can understand more of myself tonight. I must give myself more time and accept that it's okay to feel like this for healing will take some time.

Agape.

Thought.

Damn I'm not in the sleep mode yet.
Feeling wistful somehow. =
The soul longs to take flight.

How long can I last?
Sadness lingers.
A weakling I am.
Help me be strong.

=)

Today is quite a happy day.
It's so touching to know that today for cg, some people who already went for cg on another day came today to give support... Thank you so much.. you know who you are. =)

I had a good time having breakfast with Jac for it's been awhile since we really spoke. Usual crapping day with Jo as well... which makes me happy to emjoy their company. I'm happy and thankful for today.

Agape.