Kittys

I think there's a family of cats living in the ceiling of the Bizad faculty. Recently whenever I walk past the area to LT17 or seminar room 13, I hear mewing sounds but I don't see any sign of cats. Today I saw a black kitten drop from a hole in the false ceiling onto the ground. The kitten was completely black, save for its paws, which were snowy white. (SOOOO CUTE!!!!!!!!) It had blue eyes. It must have had a nasty fall for it couldn't really walk and it's still so young. Some kind soul put the kitten back up with its family. But with the two holes in the false ceilng, I think they are going to hurt themselves even more... =( I was thinking of finding a cupboard box to seal off the holes or something. They're just so cute lah. Hopefully they will find a better place to live.

Agape.

Tantrum Throwing

It's 0531h and I haven't slept a wink. A while ago I was screaming and crying in my bed aka undergoing immense anger and frustration. I just shouted and shouted into my pillow, screaming over the loss of 5% of my final grade due to my inadequacies, amongst other things. I had to vent... if not I wasn't able to sleep because of the pent up emotions inside me. Every time I closed my eyes, the thoughts just kept coming back. Oh man, it was just torturous. It's really dumb I tell you, to lose sleep over a measly 5%??? Okay, 66.67/100 translates to 5 wrong MCQs which translates to 5% loss of my total grade for a particular module. Jeki, who had to wake up early to break fast due to the Ramadan period, wanted to come into the room to eat so as to accompany me since she could tell that my face was really black last night. However, as she relayed to me later, she stopped outside my room door, heard me screaming, and went back to the kitchen. *grin* I think she knows me so well... I've been doing this since secondary school... whenever I get frustrated or slip in my tests, I would harshly scold myself, like some crazy person suffering a mental breakdown. Perhaps it's a mini breakdown. However after undergoing that episode, I can eat, talk, laugh and smile. I just have to get it out of my system. I guess I take problems real seriously, no matter how trivial, but after letting it all out to the extreme (like shouting into my pillow in the middle of the night), it dissipates quickly and I calm down. I think I'm a person of extreme emotions - a feeling would be magnified x10 when I feel it. I think I need someone who is not afraid to deal with my extreme negative emotions with patience, love and assurance as I can snap out of it if the person understands why I'm like that and does not give up on me to snap out of it. Man, if every exam period is going to be like this... *sigh* I might wake up the neighbours.

Agape.

Battle of the Mind

I shall not let anyone or anything affect me.
This is to make me stronger.

May I not deviate too far from the point of focus.
For my idle mind will be the devil's workshop.
I draw strength from Him.
Purge my sinful thoughts that lurk as
I battle to do what is pleasing to You.
Purge my hateful and deceitful intentions
So that what I do is pure and with Love.

Prayer Before Study - St Thomas Aquinas

Creator of all things
true source of light and wisdom
lofty origin of all being
graciously let a ray of your brilliance
penetrate into the darkness
of my understanding
and take from me the double darkness
in which I have been born
an obscurity of both sin and ignorance

Give me a sharp sense of understanding
a retentive memory
and the ability to grasp things
correctly and fundamentally
Grant me the talent of ebing exact
in my explanations
and the ability to express myself
with thoroughness and charm

Point out the beginning
direct the progress
and help in the completion
through Christ out Lord

Amen.

____________________________________

Dedicated to all those who are struggling with the exam preparations and are feeling discourgaed... all the best dear people! (thank you to Michelle Tan for sharing this with everyone. :))

An awkward feeling in familiar surroundings
Saddens the heart.
A stranger amidst a crowd of friends
Sticks out like a sore thumb.
A passing shadow in the night
Vanishes without a trace.
An accursed ancestry with a painful past
Inherits a heroine who will not let history repeat itself.

Agape.

@.@

Think my eyes are going like that from staring too much at the computer screen. Going on full steam for my two projects. Jo has been my comrade in battle... she just left for home. I will continue to fight the good fight at YIH and do my best!

Please keep Jacq's grandmother in your prayers for she is not well.

Agape.

Friends

I love reading my cousin's blog. She's so wise and she gives me inspiration. =) Today she blogged about friends, and the dilemna of being a doormat and being calculative. I guess it is easy for the righteous to say, friends should give and not expect anything in return because when they give, they give out of love. It's so ideal, so beautiful, yet it is so difficult to do that! Perhaps that's why we look to Him for the strength to just let go... it doesn't matter whether you get anything in return... it just doesn't matter anymore. Perhaps if you don't expect anything in return, you have fewer chances of being disappointed? But that's kind of like a defence mechanism to protect oneself isn't it? Oh wells... I guess one must strike a balance of being helpful and letting others help you at times as well... for I feel that at times when you let others help you, others will grow as well.

Agape.

HAppy PosT

Man I'm so touched by my parents today. =) They drove all the way from the EAST to school to pass me my spectacles!!! =') I can't do without my spectacles. Without my contacts I'm as good as blind and room-bound. I love them so much. And and they bought goodies like those pastry breadtalk-like stuff and the yummylicious char kway teow from opposite TJC! The bread will be my fuel of love for my 'tonning' session to do up my IT1001 project. :)

This morning I had a special time with Moli and Ivan. We were practising for mm pnw from 9-10 am. I was really nervous but that short practice was lovely... it was a prayer in itself. Wonderful. *grin* for the actual pnw tonight, during the first song, my contacts dropped out of my good eye (left side)! Luckily it got stuck to my face and not fall onto the carpet which would have been disastrous! And Mich Tan prepared this CARE PACKAGE thing for everyone since it's the last session before the exams. I am really touched. There's so much lovin' going around. =) A BIG thank you to everyone... to Andrew and Iggy for making caroling sessions run so smoothly even though you didn't need to... to Shareen and Daniel for helping out in the learning of the Gaudete, which made the learning so nice and sound so pretty... to Dwi for helping to collect the T-shirt money for I'm still in one big mess with everything scattered around, to Sean for teaching us the Our Father in latin, for people who have stepped up in volunteering for pnw, to my dearest comm members who are my friends for putting so much love supporting one another. And of course to everyone for taking time off to come on monday nights till like early 9 pm although you may be so tired but... wow. *muaks* to all of you! May we meet after the exams recharged, and spread His love through caroling and other activities in Dec!

I want to be strong. I will try my best. Thank you Jo for reminding me what my focus this semester is. I will stay loyal to my focus. This semester is a studying semester for me. And there's ONLY like a MONTH left!!!! Just one more month... and I can continue to bother about other issues in my brain. Today is a happy post. :)

And Pat just came in with this little kawaii yellow worm pencil!!!!!!! The one I fell in love with when I visited her room during house-warming! =)))) How can I not be strong? I have the strength to smile and be happy.

Agape.

I just had this deep conversation with a friend which left my vulnerability exposed in a way. Guess I wanted to not show the extent of how my friend's decision affected me and just be magnanimous about the whole issue but I wasn't skillful enough. The conversation ended well. It's hard to be honest to the extent of showing your vulnerabiltiy aka, something which is not within your comfort zone. I guess now with the air cleared, I can truly wish the person, from the bottom of my heart, all the best and may He guide that person to touch more people! =) Oh yes, I hear the thunder rumble and the sky is purplish... Red sky at night, sailor's delight.

It's Showtime!

Okay, stability is coming back. Thank GOD. Otherwise I would not last man. >.< Just came back from a movie. Good thing I stay near Tampines Mall and Century Square. Transporter2... an action-flick... just what I needed... an entertaining, mind-relaxing film. As I was on the bus there and back, I thought to myself... I think too much. Heh. My problems are so retarded. Think I really think like damn far and damn cynical kind. I'm the pessimist. Hee. Think this was one of the few times I'm this spontaneous to go and catch a flick at night. During the day when I super sian of looking at my work, I suddenly thought of going to the movies. So I contacted some of my eastern "kakis" to go and watch a movie at night (sorry jo i didn't include u coz i knew you were busy tonight). In the end to the one who made it to watch movie with me, thank you for helping me to do some stress relief. =) Hope I can get on the right track to study now. Mom and Bro faster come home!

Agape.

Confused

I'm terribly confused. I need to curb this but HOW? How do you know if your feelings are to be trusted or not? Patience babe, patience... things will clear. Just bear with things for a while more... I'm sure it'll clear soon. Oh great!, the yearning has passed. Back to work mich! *heaves a sigh of relief*

Agape.

Dreams

What is the significance of dreams? Why do we have them? Are they signs of how one truly feels, or are they just for your light nightly sleep entertainment? Are they signs from God? Argh. Can you infer things from dreams? Some people treat dreams seriously. I would like to think that dreams play with your mind. I'm a romantic by nature, however, basing things on feelings alone have wreaked havoc in my life and so logic is here to stay. I just had a disturbing dream last night but I'm not going to let it bother me. My neurons can continue to play silly mind games with me, even when I'm unconscious??? sheesh, now THAT'S just sick.

Was quite nervous during psalming yesterday. Couldn't really sing properly and was really nervous.. think it must have been the caffeine I took which made me feel a little nauseous and have a quickened heartbeat. Isn't it silly to be nervous when you're singing for God? But I was really glad that Shirley gathered us to pray before mass, following rosary after that for they helped me focus and remember that I'm doing it for Him. I'm proud of science... :) they've been great. I'm glad that we could serve the community yesterday. However I know that I've been drifting away from science.

Agape.

Fragility

Feeling rather queer today. Like I'm some piece of crystal which needs to be handled with care if not I'll just smash into a million bits. I almost snapped at a friend this morning... gosh I think I'm mad. Avoiding places is definitely not healthy and certainly stupid but I guess I don't want to risk any provocation for a while. Perhaps those close to me might frown and think that I shouldn't be acting this way but I'm sorry I just need to collect my thoughts and clear up my mind and gear myself up for the next encounter.

Feeling rather moody today. Think it's the PMS period. Oh yes SM, I think you're right (yes I finally admit) that I've PMS... I'm starting to believe that I'm no exception from the average female in having this crazy depressed period. *grin* Okay, I think my PMS starts about a week before my monthly cycle. So BEWARE PPLE if you wanna step on my toes during this time period... you're not going to have a nice time.

Feeling rather stoic today. I'm trying to shut out any kind of feelings that I've been experiencing which makes my mind a big mess. Emotional instability can be countered with stoicism. I shall try not to think or feel, otherwise I would not be able to function properly and responsibily. Just let me be. May the negativity that belittles my self-worth just go take a walk.

Agape.

Drained and Heavy Hearted but Thankful

Man, I'm kinda drained now. Didn't go for the ma1102r lecture but Jo had been my eyes for me. =) Was quite tired when I went for mm prac, thinking of how hard the song's going to be and stuff like that. I arrived there almost half an hour late. We had rosary. Wow, I could really focus then. I lifted up my troubles and sadness for her intercessions to Jesus. I felt a tad better and that I had the strength to go through with the session. The session was successful. Many people came tonight, which was an encouraging sight. Felt that we were singing for the right reasons and I think He blessed us that such a difficult song came up well. The guys were really sporting! *^^* Thank God for such a fruitful session. Looks like caroling will be okay.

Heart's feeling a little heavy at the moment. A friend of mine is feeling sad. I hope that friend cheers up soon. As for this afternoon's episode, I hope I'll have the strength to pull through. I'm really fortunate to have such good friends around me - with Jo copying the lecture notes for me today and Jac coming all the way to my room to see whether I was okay. Thank you to all my friends and family... I love you guys!

Agape.

Horribly Disappointed

I am terribly disappointed with myself. The time when there was a chance for reconciliation, I let it pass by like that. I am stubborn. Have I really forgiven that person? Perhaps I'm letting my pride get into the way. Wait a minute, I'm supposed to seek forgiveness from that person for I am the one at fault, but I guess the guilt trip that I have gone through makes it really difficult for me to do so. I am TIRED, I am SPENT! Being mean and ignoring the person while the others said hi... it breaks me up inside. Damn I still have ma1102r lecture and later mm practice to go through. I don't know how I'm going through with it. I'm feeling like crap now. I don't know how to deal with it.

Rain

I love rain... when I'm indoors. It gives me the feeling that God is nourishing the land. I've some plants and trees planted at the carpark area which I can see through my room window. They are like soaking up the water pouring down from the heavens, recharging and recuperating after a long spell of hot weather. Also, it's like being washed clean from all the dirt and grime that have accumulated in time before this.
Wash me clean from my tiredness and sin. Wash me clean and refresh me for a life anew.
The sight makes me happy. :)

Went to mass with SM today. I was so sleepy that I almost couldn't concentrate and sometimes I was too tired to sing the hymns and stuff... but don't know why after communion I felt more awake and focused. *grin* May I never lose focus of prayer. Yes I want to know You more and may I never give up trying.

Feeling a tad sleepy now... ah... nice time to take a short nap before embarking on LSM2104 and IT1001 projects. >.<

Agape.

Birthdays!

Today (15th Oct) is a very special day for 3 people...
Elaine
Jeki
Aunty Diane (mom of my dear cousin Fer)

Happy happy birthday to 3 lovely ladies!

I'm so fortunate... I got to see all three of them tonight! I love them very much.

Thank you Elaine for inviting me... I loved the good heart-to-heart talk that has been lacking for so long.

Thank you to Fer for being so sweet. You made me smile when I got back.

Thank you to Jeki for your calls and hugs. I miss home!!!!!!!

Agape.

A-snoozing

Feeling a lil' lonely in my dorm on a friday night... *sobsob* anyhows I just came back from Jo's BIG night... gosh... I'm beginning to appreciate mandarin songs. =) My room's in one big mess! >.< Can't seem to find anything anywhere.

Perfume in my hair
Do I really care?
Eyelids closing
Feel like a-snoozing
I need some lovin'
I want some carin'
In my dreams will the truth be made bare.

A retarded poem with a retarded mind at a retarded hour. I need to go and bathe.

Agape.

:)

Comments made on my one of my recent posts made me smile... *^^* Okay lah... I'm not that bad lah. I'd better say this, otherwise some person who spoke to me during lecture will murder me if I keep proclaiming that I'm a weakling:

I'M NOT AS WEAK AS I THINK I AM!!!!!

Time to re-build my self-worth! *grin* and HEY, my eyes are only small when I wear my glasses k! >.<

Yay, headache's gone! panadol works wonders. Couldn't do Calculus just now as I didn't understand a thing! Riemann integration... *pukepukepuke* Will read some Maths to sleep.

Agape.

Isaiah 42:16

Woke up with a pounding head... thankfully it's not the sort that will develop into a migraine. Guess I woke up too early... and my body is still self-repairing... *grin* Feeling sosososo much better after sleeping man... Good morning to everyone!

I'm going to have to pray...

I shall lead the blind by a road they do not know, on paths they do not know I shall conduct them. I shall turn the darkness into light before them, and the quagmires into solid ground. This I shall do without fail.
- Isaiah 42:16

Agape.

Being there and being taken care of.

Hah. I was supposed to be there for someone but tonight it ended up that I have to be taken care of instead. How dumb can I get???

Argh... I'm weak! >:(

Agape.

11/10

Happy 3rd.
I take a moment.

Agape.

TIRED!

I look at the practical that I have to do and I'm like pukish. X_x Seriously tired today... used up a lot of my energy to produce not-so-good results. Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself here. I'm trying very hard to remember what my intentions for working so hard should be... it's hard not to let my pride come in. I'm disgusted with myself for even having those thoughts enter my brain. However I know I'll keep purifying my intentions so that my best will not be for self-gratification but for Him and the greater good. I will do my best. But first I need to rest.

Agape.

Possibly Pukish! X_X

Last minute work always sucks. Cramming info into my brain is making my brain wanna burst and all the grey matter fly out in tiny little pieces..... can't seem to sit down and WANT to cram info for time is not on my side! I need the mood. Feeling horribly distracted. Argh.

I guess many people feel the same way too so... cheers to cramming more info!

Agape.

Battling with a Smile!

Darn, for last weekend and this weekend, it had and is going to be spent on studying, in preparation for the mid terms. =( And this weekend my mom's off! *grumblegrumblegrumeble*
Never mind, just 2 more months! A little less than 2 months in fact, then it's the holidays again! =)

* * * * * * * * * * *

Battling with my weakness has never been easy. But I know I gotta do it. Those thoughts should not be expressed but rather, be shelved away. Self-control is a virtue. I'm glad at this current situation although it's a test for me. To test my resolve and to test my faithfulness in Him - my faithfulness in His ways that I should not be selfish but to love fully, and my faith in His great plan for me. To me now, my weakness doesn't seem as daunting anymore (hopefully I'll continue to feel this way... *grin*). I have strength and will continue to have strength.

Agape.

So Cool!

I got home not long ago and I found this on my table:

A packet of cookies baked by my talented older cousin, Kim. She's in Australia now. This packet of cookies was brought back by her mom, who lives in Singapore. Wow... own packaging and stuff like that, all professionally done. And it's just a hobby! Gosh... next time if this goes popular, I can tell all my friends, "hey, I KNOW this person who owns this cookie chain!" So many talents in the family. =)

Agape.

Feel Like Eating!

I feel like eating now. Damn. Feel like a cup noodles. Oh today I can decently study. It was a relaxing study time this evening. Ryan and Dwi were at YIH tonight. Wow, Ryan can play blues! Gosh... so so so nice! I think blues is so funky... makes me happy. =) Engineers are a really talented bunch of people! However, science people are still the best! *^^*

Today I tried to keep Him in my heart, in my thoughts. Feeling quite at ease today. Thank You for the peace of mind today.

When I was on my way to YIH for dinner and later study, Dwi smsed that the Muslim society invited them (those who were at the CSS corner at that time) for their break fast! I think it was really thoughtful of them... =) but we 3 didn't go in the end coz it was a really big event, with lots of food and people! Their actions made me smile. :) People are people, no matter where they come from, with the ability to love. May God bless all of us.

Agape.

Childish Thoughts!

I think I'm quite a childish person. *grin* At least I'm allowed to be childish since I'm not obligated to anyone or anything at the moment, so that me being childish can only affect me and no one else. >.<

I think I have a weird concept of love. I really wonder how a person can love me when they really get to know me. I'm full of quirks and idiosyncrasies, and I have weird concepts to measure certain things. They can be really stupid and trivial but they are important to me! Small things do matter... hehheh. I think I'll make a very stressful girlfriend. Oh this is sosososo bad... but it's kinda fun thinking about it... it's self amusing in a way. It's like those long chain emails you get when they say: You know someone loves you when... 1) 2) 3) 4)... etc. Maybe I should start one list for myself! Perhaps my expectations are too high... then again, if my expectations are like that, then I'm not really loving a person am I? I wonder when the day will come when I give my all and expect nothing in return. I think for friends, it's easier to do that... but for lovers... it's so hard to do such things! I mean... don't you want the person to love you back as much as you love the person? Sigh, don't know lah. Okay, my hair is finally dry. I can go and sleep now.

Agape.

Angels going out of their way.

Everyone around me seems stressed. Gosh... and they are the people who comforted and supported me when I was so down last week! I feel so lucky, and blessed. They are angels to me. Now that I'm better, I can become stronger and hopefully be a better friend in terms of support and care. >.< Hah. I sound like Naruto. Argh, too much Naruto! Currently studying with Jo in science lib. With enough sleep last night, just studying here and listening to nice music with a companion makes me happy. =) Don't give up guys! Do your best and He will do the rest!

Agape.

Redemption

Today during CG we spoke about forgiveness. Forgiveness has taught me to love truly from the heart, without any conditional tags. But I have yet to truly heal. May I continue to hope and pray.

Okie, think i have to like go and research on some project stuff... *sigh*

Agape.

STRANGLING

I REALLY feel like STRANGLING someone now.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*bangs head on the wall*
I wish I was like shikamaru with the shadow-binding technique!!! Grrr.

You And Me - Lifehouse

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
Nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of

You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do nothin to prove and
It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it
And in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
____________________________________

I love this song! Thanks to Dwi! >.< Another song that I want to listen to but haven't gotten the mood to listen to yet is the Rick Price song recommended my Mel D and Justin. I love songs! Hahah. I think I'm mad... being bored with work to do but too lazy to do stuff. sigh. Sunday night blues suck.

I am deeply saddened by the Bali bomb blasts. The Sunday Times headlines were "Oh No Not Again". It's so sad that this has to keep happening and people are getting desensitized to all the violence (including myself) in order to cope with the increasing violence in the world. How can these people do such things? They are tainting the good name of Islam. :( Let's pray for the perpetrators (argh I don't know how to spell) that they would STOP this madness and also, for the victims.

Agape.

The Sun Shines Again After The Rain :)

What a storm it has been these past few days! However, now as the rain slowly subsides to a drizzle, I smell the fresh, clean air and see the cloudy grey sky turning white as the sun starts to shine through again. The haze in my mind is clearing and I am able to see Him again, although a little blurry.

Going for mass today has a healing effect on my soul. I can start smiling again! *^^*

Thank you to all those who have been there for me during these past few days, for comforting me, supporting me, bearing the pain with me, praying for me and forgiving me. You know who you all are and I would like to give you a BIG HUG! *hugs*

Agape.

=")

I thank you for being who you are. Perhaps you don't notice it but it has been a display of genuine friendship and love. It's like redemption for me. I am so glad when I received that SMS. It made me wanna laugh and cry at the same time... coz it brought back silly memories when I blocked you the previous time. Tears, I fight to hold back but my heart swells with gratitude. Perhaps you know me too well. I thank you for just being you and i thank Him for the lesson of what it means to be a true friend. Damn I've no tissue.

Agape.

A Simple Lunch

Sometimes you don't have to be confided in to be considered a friend to another. Sometimes you are confided in, sometimes you are not. Whatever the case, a friend is still a friend. Met up with a friend for lunch today. Although I didn't confide in my friend my problems, that doesn't mean that that person is any less a friend. I'm grateful for the day well-spent outside, just for a simple lunch and looking through some pretty art exhibits done by the very special children (1-9 oct, just outside Plaza Singapura). Just for that period of time, talking about a common love, music, I can forget my troubles for a while, taking a break in that sense.
Thank you :)

Agape.

Morning

It's the morning...
Mornings are beautiful, when the sun's rays brighten up the land and bring life to it.

May everything be okay. May things be all right.

Okay, I've to start studying again. Time to attempt to get into the mugging mood.