What a day.

When something angers, hurts or saddens me, no matter how hard I try to not think about it since thinking about it wouldn't solve anything, no matter how hard I try to smile and do something useful for the day, it just doesn't work out and the day becomes a wash-out. I wish I could look at things in perspective, then things wouldn't affect me so much. I just don't have the energy to do anything much.

Can the feeling just go away?

**updated at 2217h**
Damn the tummy... it's kinda bloated. I'm gassing.
Damn the modules, damn the timetable, damn myself for not doing what I ought to do!

Silence is a blackhole within the heart

Wipe this look off your face Mich! ARgh.

: )

Things have been pretty okay lately, save for the nights where my brain can't seem to shut down and thoughts come and go and unsettle me. However, every morning when I wake is a brand new day! New hope for the day and days ahead, new courage to face obstacles that stand in my way and a new lease of life. Feeling more rested now. :)

I witnessed the confirmation of 4 friends, Dwi, Gabriel, Jason Tay and Karen, last saturday at SMOTA. The day touched me deeply.

Agape.

Hair For Hope

Hair for Hope is an event which invites members of the public to shave their heads to show their support for children with cancer, to raise funds for the Children's Cancer Foundation (CCF) and to create awareness of cancer, especially in children.

A few of my friends are going to shave their heads in order to support the Children's Cancer Foundation. Please take some time to visit the links below and if you can, pledge a donation for the CCF.

Daniel Yeo

Gregory Teo

Ivan Louis Fernandez

Michelle Tan

Shane Nicolas Pereira

If you like to witness the shaving, here are the details:
Time: 1345h
Date: 30/7/06
Venue: Suntec City Mall Fountain Of Wealth

May a cure be found one day.

Agape.

Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love
present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or
the darkness that comes when there is not light.

Thank Yous...

I would like to say thank you to...

Neph - for always commenting on my blog, talking to me via msn and sometimes sending some smses to cheer me up! Although I don't share a lot of my problems with you and meet up as often as normal friends would do, which may make you feel excluded from my life even though we've been good friends for 4 years, I thank you for not being resentful to me and continuing to have faith in our friendship despite you migrating. Thank you.

Dan - for that one lone sms asking me whether I was all right and the late night chat on msn to cheer me up. Although we don't really meet up as often as normal friends would do, I'm really glad for our friendship.

Jason Tay - for msning me after not talking for like damn long over msn to ask me whether I was all right. It did make my night brighter. I'll never forget how you helped me get through a difficult period last year.

Jac - for calling me on sunday night to make sure I was all right. Your friendship means a lot to me and I am actually a little sad that we're kinda drifting because of different commitments. Nevertheless, I'm really glad that our friendship still remains as it is.

MM - for the healing retreat and the affirmations. They mean a lot to me.

Kor - for the chips, the laughter, the X-men gaming and cartoon-watching. I look forward to that every night because I feel happy spending time with you, like for a while, my problems are *poof* gone. You're the best brother, EVER. We're so different and yet... you can make me feel comfortable, which not many people can.

Mom - for a wonderful day yesterday, for cheering me up although it vexes you not to know why I'm having perpetual mood swings. I really enjoyed my day yesterday although it was short because we left the house a little late. I actually enjoyed shopping! Oh man, the little shops and bugis junction... just looking at the pretty trinkets made me smile. And and and bugis street is kerazy!! The jeans there are so much cheaper. Thank you for not getting angry when I left a little earlier... I think I've got this flexibility trait from you mom. And thank you for willingly wanting to fetch me home yesterday night from the mrt... I would have taken the bus home but I had a headache and I was too tired to take the bus back so I called.

Jeki - the person in the front line who takes all my shit because I see you everyday the most. It was you who told my mom to bring me to bugis street because I don't like to buy expensive jeans. =) It's you who sees me in my really digusting state, when I swear, scream and cry to myself.

Dad - for always smiling even though you know that I'm down because you know me well enough to sense that even though when you ask me whether I'm okay, I say yes. Thank you so much.

Jo - for writing that email and for the good morning sms even though you didn't have to. That meant a lot to me.

Dwi - for responding to me even though it hurts a lot.

I have ceased to function normally.
The darkness in my heart is taking over me.
Where has the love gone to?
I am hurt beyond description,
whether or not I brought it upon myself,
or it was inflicted unto me by others.

I shouldn't blame others, they are good people.
This holidays have been really tough for me.
But I am responsible for myself if it affects how I function.
Perhaps there is something wrong with me.
I cease to function, I cease to reason,
I cease to think.

I have tried my best to love.
Perhaps I have failed.

Maybe I don't deserve it but I could really use
a little loving,
a little understanding,
a little kindness,
a little tolerance.

How about a get-to-know-me session?

A new low.
3 favourite people I smsed yesterday, didn't sms back.

Sounds dumb? Perhaps.
However, given the circumstances yesterday, I can't help feeling this way.

Maybe I need to disappear for awhile for time to allow them to make peace with me. It hurts to keep thinking. STOP.

Picking up the Pieces

Picking up the pieces,
Slowly but surely.
Piecing back, one by one.
For every step back,
Two steps forward.

Thank You Lord. :')

Restless thoughts meander like the night wind through a forest.

Grant me strength Dear Lord, to carry out my duties.
You can work miracles, even with such a person like me.
I offer it all up to You.

I have a ring called Hope.
There are so many things... so many things.
Steady Mich, STEADY!

I had a good day on the 7th. Many smiles on the outside as well as from the inside. Can we have more of those please? It's not about the drinks and late nights.

I feel petty but then... ARGH!! >.<|||
Maybe you were just sleepy la. Pooi.

Looking forward to a brand new day! =)

Met up with Ms Forgetful for dinner. =)
Thank you Ms Jacqi for asking me how I was. I'm much better now! Hope to see you soon. Hey maybe you should have a little Miss name as well! *grin*
Received an unexpected sms from an old friend... I will pray for you and your familiy. If you need a listening ear, do give me a ring.

Perhaps I should change my fav. no. to 7.. haha.
OOH.. it's someone's special day today as well. May you have a wonderful time dearie.

Agape.

The past few days at home have been a struggle.
I salute them - they tried to cheer me up even though I think it pains them to see me being down and not knowing why.
Who can I fool at home? I try real hard to put on a smile but it's all in vain.
I'm glad I gave them smiles tonight. I wasn't quite all right yet but I tried my best. I want to be a joy giver! Not some sad-faced moody perpetually PMSing girl.

I need to learn to smile in times of trouble - something which I find so hard to do. I get affected by other people's emotions so easily... too easily in fact. I need to learn to genuinely be all right even when other people's negative emotions are directed toward me. It is then I can smile from within and be strong. Now, I'm just faking the whole thing, pretending to be all right when I'm actually screwed up inside. Don't be a hero when you are unable to Mich. Otherwise your words would be mere empty promises.

I find it hard to go against people. I would rather sacrifice my own identity for the sake of peace and harmony. It's easier for me to deal with my own negative emotions than to deal with other people's negative emotions because: if I sacrificed my own identity for example, only I would be unhappy. If I insisted on my way and go against others, others would be unhappy and that would make me unhappy (refer to the above paragraph), which would hurt even more. However, I need to try even if it hurts. In order not to build walls around myself, I need to learn not to put on a mask, otherwise people will never know me and get close to me.

Thank You for everything. May I continue to hope and believe.

I chanced upon an old friend's blog.
Reminded me to search for this song, which brightened up my night!

Love Generation (feat. Gary Pine, radio edit)- Bob Sinclair



From Jamaica to the world,
It's just love,
it's just love,
Yeah!

Why must the children play in the streets,
broken hearts and faded dreams,
peace and love to everyone that you meet,
don't you worry, it could be so sweet,
Just look to the rainbow, you will see
the sun will shine till eternity,
I've got so much love in my heart,
No-one can tear it apart,
Yeah,

Be the love generation,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Be the love generation,
C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon yeah

Be the love generation,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Be the love generation,
ooh, yeah

Don't worry about a thing, gonna be alright (x3)
gonna be, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna be alright

It's all love you know, it's all love, from I and I to everyone
got the love, we got the love yeah
there's no need to cry yeah
got the love, we got the love yeah
gotta live that love, you know what I'm talking about

C'mon, Be the love generation
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Be the love generation,
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, yeah (x2)

Be the love generation, ooh yeah
It's all love, you know,
Be the love generation,
got the love, got the love, oh we got the love, yeah, yeah

A walk to clear my head.
Conflicted inside, despair sets in.
Which is the path of love?
Am I truly loving?
If so, why does it hurt so much?

He will make a way somehow.
Please guide me.