To be used and thrown away...

I need to sleep. I shouldn't be stoning here on the comp anymore. I'll shut down the computer after I finish this entry. To be used and thrown away... am I a perpetrator of such a heinous crime? To manipulate and use someone? I do have a counter argument for it but I shouldn't exactly push the blame anymore. I admit I am at fault and my guilt will not go away. God has been good for He has been my source of strength. Of course some little angels are with me as well. I do not feel so empty anymore. I am strong, I can do this.

I wish I can write about the retreat but I am so tired.. I seriously need the sleep. *groan* I need to NOT stone on the comp. stoning = depressed. Am I depressed? Somewhat, but it is bearable as compared to before the retreat. Yes, God is good. I feel thankful.

Thanks to Philo for her continued reassurance of His love. Thank you to ALL for their warm fuzzies... I sadly couldn't write for practically everyone for I was down with a flu during the retreat... but that doesn't mean that I didn't have anything to say to you guys! Thank you all for helping me to re-discover that I actually have gifts and talents that are God-given and I am not that worthless after all for my self-worth had hit an all time low in the recent weeks. :)

The tone in my friend's blog has become brighter, happier... It is a far cry from a few weeks back. I am so glad. *^^*

Agape.

02S12 Gathering

Visited Mrs Choo today with 5 guys from VJC 02S12. Haha, I was the only girl there. I am glad that Mrs Choo is doing well. :) The baby's name is Danielle... what a beautiful name... from Daniel - God is my Judge. Gabriel then dropped Kenneth, Matthew, Shiming, Lionel and myself at parkway to shoot pool. Pool was great... although I am not that great in it, I feel that today I could shoot some of my intended shots accurately... and when that happens, the feeling is DAMN shiok! Hee.

After that we had dinner at BK. Lionel, Shiming and myself suddenly came up with a funny topic - guys oogling girls and girls oogling guys and how they are attracted to each other. Sigh... I don't know why it irks me at how guys oogle at and place such importance on the exterior of girls. It's just so grotesque to me to have the idea that a girl's worth is measured largely by her appearance. Makes me feel that girls are just pieces of meat. Ugh, how degrading. Okay... to all the male chauvanists out there, I admit that girls aren't exactly saints either... but at least they don't place looks so high up in their priority list. I know I'm generalising lah... Correct me if I'm wrong.

Matthew left during pool for some other function and Kenneth left after dinner w his gf... so it was left with Lionel, Shiming and myself to discuss that topic... we talked about stuff... not just the usual hi-bye stuff but more like how friends would talk. Thanks for coming to the airport so that I could easily go back home... :) Yah, it feels quite good to have 2 black belt taekwondo-trained bodyguards flanking me. Heehee. We should just hang out and talk more often! No need to spend money. I'm SO BROKE. >.<

The retreat has been great... it was a pity I fell sick during that time... I thank God that I have a sense of inner peace to deal with the problems although I'm in that horrid stony mood again and becoming irresponsible. Sigh, I'd better go and sleep soon.

Agape.

*gulp*

I guess I haven't totally forgiven myself. Why do I freeze? Why do I cower in fear? It is because I am laden with guilt. I hope I have the strength to digest the harsh words and humbly accept them. Yes it hurts but I know I am strong enough. I can do this. I have to do this for it is the least I should do. Grant me the grace to continue this. I really feel like running away and take the easy way out. But I know that is not right. I shall try.

Agape.

Getting My Drive to Do Things...

I feel the strength to start to do things now.

MM practice was wonderful today. I felt happy that I could at least play my piece without stopping!! w00t w00t. Thank God for that. It's good to be a little oozy in the brain somehow, due to the flu. Makes one less panicky. *grin* I was starting to get really stressed out for I thought I wasn't going to be able to make through completing that piece. I have not practised the piano much this week and my playing saw a VAST improvement from monday... it's queer... where did my stage fright go to? For those who know me, I AM such a SPIDER. The jamming session later on in the evening was invigorating. I couldn't help myself smiling like a retard because I was just happy... happy to be able to make joyful music. Music is indeed heavenly... in whatever form it may come. It is an additional happiness when you're making music for someone you love, in this case, it would be for FOC, which is ultimately for God. One day I would like to master this song, titled "Head Over Feet" by Alanis Morrisette. Maybe one day I'll be able to sing this for my future significant other? *grin* In the distant future perhaps.

I finally got down to putting cash into my driving account tonight. Thanks to Dad for helping me. The biggest step was booking my driving test. I have to thank Shiming for accompanying me 2 weeks ago to get that done... for I have been traumatised enough by the whole driving experience that I just wanted to give up. When I tried booking my lessons online just now, I couldn't believe it... almost all the slots before the 20th of JULY have been FULLY booked! It's madness... I mean I'm booking over a MONTH in advance and I cannot even book 5 decent lessons in july before the 20th. Talk about planning in advance. Okay, I managed to find one free slot on the 19th july. Sigh... I hope people cancel some of their lessons in july *crosses fingers*

I haven't blogged about my experience at the retreat... hopefully I'll get down to doing that for I've things to say about it. There are more things that I have to do... hopefully I'll get them done as well.

How do I love? I hope I do not hurt anyone anymore. I don't know whether I offended someone tonight. I did it out of the best intentions... or I wish to think that way... I truly hope my thoughts weren't tainted by my own self-gain. But if I have offended you, I am truly sorry.

Please let me love the way You would have it dear Lord, for I know Your love is at its purest form - unconditional love. I hope now with my heart and soul healing, I will be able to love more purely, like a child.

Agape.

Inner Peace.

I asked for inner peace... no, I begged for inner peace during the retreat and I thank God that He has granted me this grace. I can drop all my pretense now and hopefully love others with a purity of heart.

Agape.

Away for Retreat...

This is the first retreat in which I am taking part in organizing... Ack.. feeling a little nervous... don't think I'm spiritually prepared to lead the scifcg. *sigh* Perhaps God chooses those least likely in Man's eyes to succeed. Hopefully I won't fall sick... feel a flu coming.

Bye blog... will be missing you till the 26th...

Agape.

Shacked!

I am truly tired today.
Meeting with the comm at 9 am followed by mm practice from 2-5pm, 6-9pm. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I got really stressed out during evening practice but... it's well worth the effort. My favourite song was played as the last song with the band... it made my heart smile. :)

Homecoming.
My dear friend is coming back from his hols. :) I wonder if he bought anything for me... *BHB* Just kidding lah... what really matters is that he and his family get home safe.

I never knew that this could hurt so much. It is love versus selfish passion versus fear. I choose love... if I may be permitted to call that love. I wish I were more mature. I wish I didn't have to hurt people. I wish I could be sure. I wish I didn't have to hurt anyone. I live in my helplessness. I wish I could truly love like how He loves us... won't my heart take a break from all the turmoil? I need to stop being responsible for other people's feelings for a while.

Agape.

TIred and SORE feet!

Yes, today I was out from 0845h to 2100h. Some crazy notion came over me to wear heels and boy do my feet hurt like crazy.

0930-1245h
Holy Family Outreach:
I had fun collecting love offerings... *grin* I just had to smile demurely and say "would you like to donate?" Someone quipped, "sex sells." HAHA. Whatever la. Met new people like Natalie and Gus from NTU, Angie from NUS, Lionel from NTU who is Gabriel's brother. Heh, now I know 2 Gabriels who have older brothers. Dear Pat (:)), Jeff and Gabriel were there as well. So were Adrian (NTU) and Nicholas (SMU).

1400-1655h
Lunch Rendevous with JAc:
We FINALLY got down to going to market 85 bak chor mee at Bedok taking bus 14 (and yes, bus 222 goes there as well). The journey was 4 bus stops from the interchange. And when we got there... both shops were CLOSED! Ugh. Felt bad for Jac for she came down all the way from Jurong for like nothing. Oh but we still got to eat the yummilicious ah boh leng. :) Then we took bus and mrt to our 2nd destination - Changi Airport T1 to eat Popeye, our second choice. Man, this is the time where I ate the most undaintily with a friend... chicken bits were flying all over the place! hehe... hope you weren't too late for your next appoinment... >.< if you were, I'm sorry...

1700-2100h
Kallang w Neph:
I FINALLY held my promise to go out with my good friend neph after my exams... erm... I know it's already quite long after my exams but at least I kept to my promise K! :Þ Discovered this new place to chill and to enjoy the scenic view of Kallang river. The sunset was beautiful and I was blessed enough to witness a full moon as well. Learnt how to play "leaving on a jet plane" on the guitar *w00t w00t* and had dinner at some vietnamese restaurant as the shopping centre nearby (the one with the ice-skating ring) was under renovation, so couldn't eat "cheapo" food. heh. Caught up over dinner. :) Got to try my hand on my favourite car!!!! aka Toyota Rav 4... *grin* hmm... motivation to PASS MY NEXT DRIVING TEST! *Sigh*

2100h-now
Home:
I came back to find... my relatives at my place! Fer and Daniel are watching Naruto now... so here I am blogging. *grin*

Thank you all who made my day a wonderful one.

Agape.

Simple Faith In God.

By this time in my life, I am certain that there is nothing that God cannot achieve. For someone to live so long, for another to be convinced enough to go back to the faith... there is indeed nothing God cannot achieve.

I guess I need to pray more, to always remember never to despair. Something in the future seems impossible to me right now and it hurts me a lot because the barrages of "what ifs" come along, making me wonder what if I decide to take that route in the future. If I do not take that route in the future, I guess all will be fine and dandy but what if I realise in the future that my heart is finally aligned in that direction? Wouldn't that be fatal? However, I shouldn't use my own miniscule knowledge to map out possibilities of the future - I know that He will slowly unravel His plan to me in time. Maybe I'm destined to take that route? Maybe I'm not. May I trust that He will provide and guide me. May I have the courage to hold His hand. When I hold His hand, I can let go of my anger and forgive... and genuinely embrace those who really hurt me for I know that no obstacle is big enough to alter His plan.

I'm learning to breathe again...

I am happy that I have re-discovered my passion to sing and play the piano. It's great although it gets really tiring at times. :)

Agape.

Work, a convenient escape.

I have become very busy lately... I wonder whether it is because I am passionate or it is due to not making my mind idle. Like now, when I am home, my mind starts to relax and wonder... when I start to wonder, the same ol' depressing thoughts enter my mind and I become incapacitated to do anything... like now, I am stoning in front of the computer not doing anything.

"It is not good to juggle both studies and relationships at the same time... you'll probably end up with mediocre results on either side... worse still, you might end up with nothing. A relationship is so uncertain. Why would you want to risk the time now for a relationship at the expense of your studies? What if the relationship does not work out, then you'll end up with nothing. At least a degree will be with you for the rest of your life, something which you owe it to yourself and no one can take it away from you."
This piece of advice was told to me by an important person.

I agree and disagree. However, it doesn't really matter now does it? I've already decided and work seems like a terrific avenue to channel my raging emotions. Have I lost faith in humanity? That all humans do things for a motive, for their self-benefit. Myself included. Have I lost faith in myself? Yes I have for obvious reasons that got decent people into this mess in the first place.

My personal grudge against some very important people (not related to the messed up decent people):
I am angry at myself for putting on false smiles and not telling the truth of how much their words hurt me. I have good reason to leave things as they are now with them, for to even touch on the subject will cause an emotional upheaval which I will not tolerate anymore. I have decided to let go of the anger and forgive. However, whenever I see them, I remember the hurtful things they said to me and I cannot bring myself to embrace them with a pure heart. Right now, whenever I speak with them, it would be about goals and focuses, nothing emotional or heart-to-heart. It hurts me to be so superficial towards them but I cannot help it for I am unable to let go. Hopefully I will soon for I don't want work to be an escape from my emotions. I don't want to be a robot for the rest of my life.

Agape.

Lunch & sore throats Today

Met Shane on my way to school today to have lunch with Joanne and Wan Zhen. He's having a bad case of sore throat... ack.. oh dear, hope he and Jason Koh recover from their sore throats soon for MM practice.

Had lunch with Joanne and Wan Zhen. Gosh, to cut, dye and highlight => $58 !!!! Man... it's really cheap... or is the place that I brought Joanne to expensive? *sigh* But then again, wz's hair is much shorter than jo's so... oh wells, I won't be dyeing / highlighting my hair anytime soon. Hopefully Jo doesn't erm... come after me... >.< I have been reading lately. Came across an article in TODAY's "voices" section, the article entitled "A Society Without Passion?" It was written by a 20-year-old full time NSman. *grin* reminds me of a friend who can write the same sort of way. I remember one of his articles on democracy got published in the Kaleidoscope, the GP magazine in VJC. Perhaps he should try to publish some views of his? >.< Anyway, back to the article, I do agree that Singapore lacks a passion for life, a passion for the moment, which makes life more interesting. I'm not saying to totally follow one's whims and fancys and shirking any responsibility... I'm saying that we should let go a little more. "I believe that very few people have it in them to balance passion and results so that both reach satisfying levels" (quoting from the article), hopefully society will be more forgiving and allow more breathing space for passion to grow, for it is when passion grows that creativity is harnessed.

Going to have a stayover at Philo's place with the comm tonight. I agree with Philo, it's queer that this is going to be our first and last stayover. *Grin* Looking forward to it.

Agape.

SAKAE!

Gosh.. I'm sosososoo FAT and FULL from gorging and overeating at sakae today, with dear Joanne. It was just the two of us but I had a ball of a time anyway. One would NEVER expect 2 petite girls *BHB* to eat so much. We ate... to celebrate the end of exams... and well, a new beginning. My pick-up's pretty slow though. *sigh* I hope I won't become some annoying person who keeps pitying herself. Hah. I've done that too much in this semester already. Time to be strong and pick myself up and actually contribute positively to others. I'll try.

Oh yes! Jo did something nice today to herself! I'm honoured to be the first to witness it! ;)

Had MM practice yesterday... Man, think it's preeetty cool to use mics and speakers to sing... *grin* ARgH, I HOPE that I'll get that song mastered soon... my piano playing skills are really rusty. Bleagh.

Cycling yesterday along ECP with SciFcg organised by the CGLs. It was great. Rode tandem with JAc. Hahah... we could actually control the bike! Jac tried to learn riding that day... personally if I were her, I wouldn't be able to learn with so many people around! It would be really stressful for me. >.< Hmm... she was called a sack of potatoes... No lor... we BOTH cycled like CRAZY, to try to beat John and Yinxiu also on tandem... we lost to a formidable opponent. Heh. =)

My mood's been swinging up and down. It becomes bad at night... but it doesn't matter I guess. Things will only look up from here.

Agape.

Playing with Fire

Burnt.

I need some balm.

Meanwhile, looking forward may not seem like such a bad thing after all.

Agape.