Breadth Modules!!!!

It's the weeeeee hour of the morning but I can't seem to be able to choose my breadth modules. *sobsob*
I want to take malay or bahasa indonesia but the exam dates clash with one of my core modules.
For breadth, I'm taking a level 1000 mod and a level 2000 mod.

For level 1000:
FNA1002 or IT1001
(I'm more for FNA1002 but I'm not too sure)

For level 2000:
FNA2111 or
SC2215 or
SE2221
(I REALLY want to take SE2221 - some gamelan music thing... but the exam date clashes with FNA1002! Argh...)

How now brown cow? *sigh*

Agape.

Thoughts

I just shared some of my burden with a friend. Feeling better and rather thoughtful. I shouldn't doubt the power of prayer. I know I've made mistakes and I don't know how to correct them. Perhaps these mistakes cause irreversible damage. It pains me to not be able to redress my wrongs. However, I remember now that with a sincere heart to reconcile and uplift my burdens in prayer, He will show the way, no matter how impossible it may seem. May the Lord heal our pains so that we can learn to breathe again.

Agape.

I am not the only special one out there.

I have become more aware of the people around me. Friends around me who are bogged down with troubles as well. With their sharings, I realise that I am not the only special one out there... so I gain strength from that fact that I'm not alone. I also should stop acting like I'm the only "special" one out there... heee... like what Naruto said to Hyuuga Neji during their fight in the Chunnin Exam. I hope I can.

Yesterday evening was great! =) Rocky's was good, the company was better! I got to know more of my fellow friends... hopefully I'll be able to open up more to them. So far the only person there at dinner whom I can actually talk comfortably with is Jac. I see the beginning to a wonderful friendship!

Agape.

I Want To Be Happy

I want to regain the cheerful light gait in my stride
I want to be able to sleep well and not have trouble falling asleep
I want my mind to be filled with pure, good thoughts, instead of bitterness
I want to be free from worry
I want to take a break from the anger and angst
I want to regain the fire and zeal in me to do things
I want to not cry anymore
I just want to be happy...

No more tears please. I don't want to break.

Being in Love?

Lately I've been hearing people having brushes with love and/or infatuation.... which makes me wonder, when will I fall in love again? Gah I sound like some school girl but I cannot help wondering whether I'll be able to find someone
who understands me and whom I understand,
who makes me feel totally at ease likewise the same for him,
who turns my tears into smiles,
who brings joy and laughter to both our hearts and everyone around,
who is kind and gentle,
who puts me on his pedestal and empowers me to be the best that I can be,
who knows what is good for me and makes me a better person,
who takes care of me,
whom I can spend the rest of my life with,
whom I can love and be loved in return.

I know now is not the right time for me to be looking for love... it's just that being in love is like walking on cloud 9 every waking moment. What an elusive dream. Oh well, singlehood is good for now.

Agape.

Am I so difficult to get along with? I am not the sort who likes to quarrel. It really hurts... it saddens me much. I wish I could accept and understand the way you are... however, the threshold of my heart is not high enough and the scope of my mind is not wide enough. Simply put, I'm just too sensitive and not understanding enough.

Is it because we are just too different? Otherwise, what possible explanation is there for 2 perfectly okay people to get so mad at each other every other time? Perhaps you don't understand me as well.

I'll try to understand. I'm sure you'll try as well, for the sake of a cherished friendship.

Agape.

Angsty... NOT!

After a good bath, I have the energy to type out my thoughts while waiting for my hair to dry. About an hour ago on the msn, I was so tired I could barely keep a decent conversation going. >.<

Today was the CGL workshop... I'm glad I went for it. =) Cheers to those who worked so hard to prepare for it! *^^* Although I had to drag myself out of bed and was late, and couldn't focus for the later sessions as I was near konking out, it was wonderful seeing my friends so passionate about being His servants. And yeah, there were many science peeps today. w00t! A year ago, I vehemently rejected any notion of being a CGL... the very thought of it irked me out. How could I, a doubting Thomas, lead a catholic group / cell group to deepen it's faith with God? But now, I'm actually considering being one. I really don't know whether I'll be one but the fact that I'm actually considering it is just surprising. It's funny how seemingly impossible things become possible. I think I've mentioned this theme in some of my previous blog entries.

Back to the topic of Thanksgiving, I'm actually glad that certain events happened the way they happened. Looking back, I was so angsty and bitter while going through those events. However, at this point in time I realise that it is best that certain events happened the way they did. It may seem ironic to those who have seen me moping around those moments in my life but I'm beginning to understand a little of why things have to turn out this way and not that, even though the process may be quite killing. I thank Him for allowing me to grow and mature.

Agape.

I PASSED my DRIVING!!! and many other thanks.

I passed my driving yesterday!!! Gosh... it's a big load off my chest. To me, passing driving was short of impossible for I am not the type who could perform on the spot... I am a kancheong spider by nature. However, this time rouind on my third attempt, I managed to barely pass with 18 points! Thank you God sosososo much... this means so much to me. Passing this tells me that I can actually accomplish things which I thought I cannot do, if I try and persevere with His Grace. I also felt a sense of achievement when I played 'Only Hope' for Bernie during the MM concert last month. My performance is no big deal, really. The piece was pretty performable to a piano player who practised hard enough. However I felt this sense of achievement because I could perform in front of a live audience without stopping. I was shivering like hell the moment before I played but I managed to overcome that. I guess it's His way of helping me to grow. =) Many thanks to everyone who kept me in their prayers for my big day. =)

Today was a tiring but good day... went for a cycling cum blading outing with Sci peeps. Gosh.. what a good workout! Blading (inline skating, rather) is certainly no joke! Four brave souls - Daniel, Grace, Shirley and myself rented blades whilst the others rented bicycles. Gosh, I wonder how my cousins, Alex and Audrey, do stunt blading when I have so much difficulty putting the right weight on my feet.

Okay.. I'd better knock off soon.

Agape.

One Heck of a Day

Today was one heck of a day. My mom managed to pierce her ears after 50 years of waiting. *grin* I'm sosososo proud of her!!!! =) She managed to overcome her fear to get them done. EeEe Mon did hers today as well.

Today was the first time I helped out in baking cream puffs. EeEe Mon was the teacher. =)


Fruits of Our Labour!

Tonight I went to watch baybeats, an annual event held at the esplanade waterfront area to showcase local bands... and I got to see Concave Scream live!! Electrico too. The event was like a melting pot of ideas, creativity and heartfelt music, untainted by commercialisation. It's a magical feeling.


Concave Scream!

Agape.

Joanne's Birthday

Today's Jo's birthday... :)
Went to our fav fav place... SAKAE sushi for the lunch buffet at the Heeren. Oh there was shopping before that. I actually bought stuff and FOR ONCE I spent more than Joanne. :Þ

She's such a darling lah.. was relating stuff to her for we haven't spoken properly in a while... to think she chided me and gave me a wake-up call. =) Thanks babe... I needed that. I should let go of any remnants of guilt left within me.

I'm feeling rather tired now. Really need to go bathe and hit the sack. Thank God for great friends and family. What would I do without them? I must not disappoint them... I shall try my best to be happy, to see joy in every situation, even when the going gets tough. Sigh, this process really zaps a lot of energy from me. X0

Agape.

Phone Porridge

I just had yummy phone porridge with Jac which ended about half an hour ago. It was wonderful catching up as I haven't really been talking to her for a while. I am a happier girl tonight. =)

Jo's birthday is on friday... I'm not really good in surprises coz I told her indirectly what present we bought her. *sigh*

Friends are angels to me... they are truly God's gift. I am truly blessed to have angels as friends, as well as angels as family.

I'm currently listening to a song - Fade by Concave Scream, introduced to me by Dan. It's a great song. Last night that song invoked sorrow, tonight it brings about serenity.

Agape.

The Reunion

After MONTHS of people MIA, we finally gathered at my brother's birthday on the 9th of July. =) It was a great night spent on catching up... the memories we have shared, good and bad, and will continue to share. Although we don't meet up as much, the bond is still clearly there, just that the effort has to be made to keep this special friendship together. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. My cousins, I wouldn't trade them for the world.


From left to right:
Kor, Sandra, Myself, Felicia, Audrey, Alex and Daniel

Agape.

Finding Strength in Your Weakness

I have decided not to run away from my problems anymore, even though facing them head-on may hurt a lot. The usual escapist Mich has decided to take a stand, or rather remind herself that even in her human weakness she can find strength. No matter how many times feelings of deja vu come which cause her instability and heartache, she will learn to deal with it. For she will not depend on her own strength but the one above, who makes seemingly impossible tasks possible to handle. I seem to have forgotten Him for a while. It's Time to remember.

Agape.

New Terms

Hominophobic - fear of the opposite gender
Philophobic - fear of love

I learnt those terms from a friend of mine. *grin*

I wonder how does a person know when he/she is actually emotionally ready for a relationship? Not just casual flings but a serious "looking for a life partner" kind of relationship. Because if you're not emotionally ready, you'll only end up hurting yourself, and worse still, others.
I get depressed whenever I think about this. I guess they are my own demons.
_____________________________________________

Courtship is like a two-choice gamble. There are some who weigh the odds and gamble according to the most probable choice to minimise hurt for if the odds are against you and there's a high chance that your courtship may fail, why bother trying when you probably would end up failing and getting hurt?
There are others I've learnt, who take such a scenario differently. Even though the odds may be against them, they will still prefer to do their best, thereby allowing their feelings to be vulnerable, so that they will have no regrets even if they get burnt in the end. People may think they are foolish for it is akin to walking straight into unecessary heartache. However, these foolish people would counter-argue, saying hey, the odds may change in the future! Who know what the future holds anyway? If that person chooses someone over me, at least I know I've tried my best and I will have no regrets, rather than spending the rest of my life immersed in 'what ifs'. There is a driving force which makes these people so courageous - they believe that the person whom they are chasing is worth the gamble.

I'm amazed that in this world where science and logic dominate, such passion and 'foolish' courage still exist which make life worth living for.

Agape.

EmoEmo.

Feeling rather emo today... just feeling lousy. I've things to do but I can't bring myself to do them...
I'm supposed to go out tonight for my science seniors' convocation but I just can't bring myself to get out of the house. I want to practise the piano but I just can't bring myself to do it. At least I helped out in preparing for Kor's birthday tomorrow but I think my help is pretty insignificant coz I'm quite lousy in the kitchen.

Perhaps I'm just tired lah. Haven't been getting enough rest lately. Didn't really sleep much during the FOC follow-up (wed) and went out till late on thu to meet up with my JC mates and I had to wake up early for driving today. I'm quite shacked.

Today I tried helping out in the kitchen... haha but I kept complaining coz I just wanted to not do anything. Sheesh, I'm like some spoilt kid who can't take a bit of work and keeps complaining. Haha, but I think my complains brought some entertainment in the kitchen. >.<

It's uncanny that sometimes you can't force certain topics out of your mind even if you wanted to. How do I switch off that part of my mind and not think about things like that? I just want to purge those topics out of my mind but my heart just won't let me. See, I'm whining again. I'd better stop.

Agape.

London

Let's observe a minute of silence for the people who died in the London blasts.

Feeling rather sickened and upset.

Agape.

Night

There are nights like this where I can't seem to get myself off the comp and into bed. Thanks to wonderful people for their comments and words of encouragement. =) I'm listening to a short instrumental guitar piece Neph composed. Hey, it's neat stuff! The chord progression flows really well and is partly responsible for my warm, contemplative feeling now. *^^* Looking forward to hear your completed piece!

O Truth, O Light of my heart, let not my own darkness speak to me! I had fallen into that darkness and was darkened thereby. But in it, even in its depths, I came to love thee. I went astray and still I remembered thee. I heard thy voice behind me, bidding me return, though I could scarcely hear it for the tumults of my boisterous passions. And now, behold, I am returning, burning and thirsting after thy fountain. Let no one hinder me; here will I drink and so have life."
-St Augustine (CONFESSIONS)
Book XII, ch. x, 10

The following taize song is adapted from the quote above

Lord Jesus Christ, your light shines within us. Let not my doubts nor my darkness speak to me.
Lord Jesus Christ, your light shines within us. Let my heart always welcome your love.

Agape.

Love?

Studies will be my focus this sem. Love can wait.

My dear friend Jo wrote this and I'll take it as my mantra for the upcoming semester.

I've sort of reached a state of stability. However, the scars of the past just wouldn't give me a break. Sometimes I feel normal and convincingly O.K., like I'm ready to spread my wings and view the world. However, there are times where seemingly insignificant events trigger such horrible emotional responses and I'm reminded of the stark reality of my wounds which have not healed. This makes me wonder when they would heal, if they would ever heal at all. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, to forget forgiveness and love so that I can live in the comfort of the dark. Sometimes I feel like giving up and not caring about anything anymore.

This is an analogy of the current situation I'm in...
I'm groping about in the dark, blindfolded.
I know that the path I'm on has a fork that defines 2 very different paths which will never converge back.
I don't know whether I'm still on the initial part of the path before the fork or I'm already on a path which has already decided my final destination.
I'm afraid of taking off my blindfold for I do not want to know where I am at right now.
As reluctant as I am to continue my journey, I am not moving along by choice, but by the will of time because my journey has a time limit that I can only roughly gauge.

One thing that has improved though is that I can hold my head up a little higher in the eyes of God for I have renounced certain things for His love. I will not let the darkness and despair consume me... I will have hope that things will be all right in the end.

Agape.

Dead Beat!

Having a cockroach scare in the wee hours of the morning yesterday in the bedroom certainly doesn't recuperate a person much. For the whole of yesterday (2nd july) I was pretty tired. Moreover, the day had been eventful but I am thankful for that. =)

I feel like going into this contemplative thinking mode but my mind isn't cooperating with me. Guess I'd better wash up and then go to bed.

Agape.

2 Eventful Days

29/6/05
The visit to the Vatican Exhibition at the Asian Civilisations Museum (ACM) with scifcg was awesome... Gosh... the exhibits were beautiful and we even had a guided tour! I felt like I was transported back in time... now I understand the meanings of sarcophagus and catacombs, how to distinguish between Petar and Paul, and appreciate the beautiful paintings and artefacts centries ago. Yes, and it's only going at $4 per head!!! Official guided tours of the Vatican are on Tuesdays and Thursday at 1230h. Private tours have to be pre-arranged. I wanted to see the eshibitions on the other the religions as well but there was no time. *sigh* After the exhibition I felt mentally drained. *grin*

Before I went to the exhibition, I had my first driving lesson in a very long time (last one was last year I think). I was pretty much traumatised after the lesson. First, I FORGOT to renew my provisional driving license (PDL) which means that I am not allowed to drive on the main road. So I did the whole lesson in the circuit. My low-speed control was horrendous and I forgot some important turning points for some of the circuit courses. Oh, and I hit down a pole ONCE. *sigh* I really hope I will pass this time round. I'm too... kancheong spider. Hopefully I will be able to overcome this mentality of fear and panic.

30/6/05
Breakfast, pool, shopping and... INITIAL D! w00t. Finally caught the movie.. *grin* Jay is erm.. cute lah... his character is just adorable to me. Argh.. I said it... damn I can't believe I'm gushing over an actor. It was a day well spent!

Naruto and OC at night. TV night it was!

Agape.